Author: Jay Gaulard (page 2 of 4)

I’m not sure of how many times I’ve written this post. Each time I enter the internet though, I’m compelled to write it again. I swear, the world is against me in this regard. It teases me and taunts me – all because my mother was an English major during the final two years of her college career. Much of my young life was consumed with grammatical correction and since I surely can’t wander around the depths of the seemingly dark web commenting on the grammar of people who would lambast me for doing so, I’m relegated to the writing of my thoughts on this very website. I apologize for putting you through this, but it’s something that needs to be done.

Before I begin though, I’d like to note that perhaps what I’ll share below doesn’t pertain to grammatical errors, per se, but more so spelling errors. Although, I suppose the way each word is used within the confines of a sentence would place it in the arena of grammar, technically speaking. Oftentimes, it’s the word itself that’s in error. Such as your and you’re. If what I’m telling you isn’t clear right now, keep reading below. You’ll see.

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I vs. My

This one’s been around for quite some time. I’m uncertain if the error was popularized by the Kardashians or by the Housewives of Orange County – whatever the case, hearing or reading people misuse the word I is like listening to someone scratch a chalkboard. I’ll also note that the folks who transplant I for me are oftentimes rabidly stubborn about it. They’ve told me it’s “proper grammar” and have given me very cocky looks to shut me up. Do you have any idea how challenging it is for me to shut up?

Incorrect
I need to book a hotel room for my wife and I.

Correct
I need to book a hotel room for my wife and me.

The Rule
Simply remove the other person from the sentence and say it again. Whichever sounds better is usually correct.

Believe it or not, I’m friends with someone on Facebook who posted something along the lines of, “I had some solar panels installed on my wife and I’s house.” And no one corrected the poor chap. The post will now live forever within my soul. The correct version would be, “I had some solar panels installed on my wife’s and my house.” Again, simply remove the other person and repeat the sentence.

By the way, there is no possessive I. That would be the possessive determiner my and possessive pronoun mine.

Your vs. You’re

This is a biggie with smart phones. In my heart of hearts, I suspect it’s because people are too lazy to locate and use the apostrophe on their keypads and opt for the much quicker your as opposed to the proper you’re, but the error is still worrisome. Considering the fact that 100 years ago, soldiers were sending home to their sweethearts poems and love letters that would be classified as art by today’s standards, many of today’s teens can’t even spell, or are too lazy to spell, the word you’re correctly. To me, this is an issue.

Incorrect
I see your wearing blue sneakers today.

Correct
I see you’re wearing blue sneakers today.
Or
I see you are wearing blue sneakers today.

The Rule
When using the word your, you’re suggesting that something belongs to someone. It’s a possessive pronoun for a singular person, such as, “That is your book.” When you use the word you’re, you’re simply contracting the words you and are.

Who vs. That

This one will last with you forever. I swear, if the internet didn’t exist, I’d become no where near as upset as I do when I hear or read horrible grammar. But alas, here I am, typing away on said internet, complaining about the very thing I despise nearly the most.

Incorrect
I have a friend that loves Transformers movies.

Correct
I have a friend who loves Transformers movies.

This grammatical error is so pervasive that I believe it’s become part of the vernacular. About 90% of the people I hear speak, make this mistake. It’s honestly and dishearteningly a rare occasion when I converse with someone who says something like, “My mother was a woman who enjoyed cooking. And my uncle was a man who raced muscle cars.” If the person with whom (see what I did there?) I’m speaking manages to properly use the word who while describing a person or persons, two or more times during a conversation, that person has won my heart. It’s just so rare. So, so rare. Nearly everyone I know, and don’t even know, uses that when describing people. “My best friend is a person that loves to trash talk!” C’mon, you have to admit it’s utterly insulting to be referred to as a that!

The Rule
When referring to an individual person (and even when referring to other individual living beings, such as animals and pets), use who. When referring to something that has no life about it, use that. Example:

I have a desk that is brown. I have a friend who is Irish. I’m part of a Jiu-Jitsu club that is wonderful.

In the last example, I described a group of people. Even though the group consists of beings who have heartbeats, the group itself is still referred to as that.

That Vs. Which

This one’s a bit tricky. It involves both Britain as well as the condescending. Both use which. Apparently, in Britain, folks use which for everything. The condescending, such as those who ride bicycles along thoroughfares near Bear Mountain, New York or through Hyde Park in London, use which for the hell of it. They think it makes them sound fancy. Perhaps it does to the uninitiated, but to me, it makes them sound confused. Below is an example of a confused person misusing the word which. And then an example of the same person saying the same sentence after having a conversation with me.

Incorrect
Boy, this certainly is a piece of property which greens up during the summer!

Correct
Boy, this certainly is a piece of property that greens up during the summer!

Again, in England, it’s apparently okay to use which in the example above, but here in America, it’s not. There are very specific cases for when to use which and that.

The whole thing has to do with restrictive and nonrestrictive clauses. And once you understand what these two things are, you’ll understand when to use each of the two words being discussed in this section. Simply put, restrictive clauses contain important information. Information that’s critical to the meaning of the sentence. Nonrestrictive clauses contain fluff that’s nice to know, but that’s not really all that important. Please read these two sentences:

Restrictive
I need to rent a bicycle that has two seats so my partner and I can ride it simultaneously.

Nonrestrictive
I rented a bicycle last week, which happened to have two seats, and I rode it around alone all day. What fun!

How would the condescending misuse which? “My mother is a person which loves the color blue.” Ugh. They’re so annoyingly stupid.

The Possessive Apostrophe

Let’s forget about all the slang out there that takes full advantage of apostrophes, such as, “We’re having a good ol’ time” and “There’s somethin’ goin’ on here.” For this section, I’ll focus squarely on apostrophes that are used for possession and contraction. Check out these examples:

Correct Possession
That’s Jay’s dog.

Correct Contraction
I don’t know what you’re talking about. (don’t = do not) (you’re = you are)

Incorrect Plural
I have some puppy’s for sale.

I have no idea where this plural thing is coming from, but I see it all over the place. It’s like, sometimes people are too lazy to add the appropriate apostrophe in their sentences, yet, they’re not too lazy to add it when it’s uncalled for. These are the rules:

The Rules
Use an apostrophe to connect two words, such as do not, creating don’t. Also, if something is owned by something else, use an apostrophe to indicate that, such as, “That’s the car’s bumper.” Don’t ever use an apostrophe to indicate there is more than one of something. For example, “I have two puppy’s for sale” should be, “I have two puppies for sale.”

If you’re ever confused, simply browse to Google’s homepage on your phone and type in, “When to use apostrophes.” Learning really is that simple.

There’s vs. There Are

This is one that’ll never leave your brain either. Once you realize what people have been doing in regards to this mistake, you’ll be unable to unrealize it. I’ve been suffering through this “realization” for years. What’s worse is that this mistake isn’t new. I’ve watched movies that were filmed during the 1930s and I’ve heard it. In Hemingway’s For Whom the Bells Tolls, it’s there – and that was written in 1940. It’s everywhere. It’s awful and the insidiousness stems from the unsuspecting contraction. Here’s an example:

Incorrect
There’s a lot of people in this stadium.

Correct
There are a lot of people in this stadium.

Because a contraction is used, people don’t notice they’re making a mistake. The truth of the matter is, they are, no matter how common that mistake is. In all honesty, I’ve rarely seen or heard this type of intended usage when it wasn’t a mistake.

Without using a contraction, would you ever say to someone, “There is a lot of people in this stadium”? No, you wouldn’t. Why not? Because you’d sound like an idiot. But with that little apostrophe stuck in there, you’ve got free reign to do whatever you’d like. And then innocents like me have to suffer through it. Where’s the justice?

The Rule
For a singular thing, use is. “There is one person in this room.” Or with the contraction, “There’s one person in this room.” For two things, use are. “There are two people in this room.” Don’t use there’s for two things, such as “There’s two people in this room.” I beg of you.

It’s vs. Its

Granted, this one can get tricky because when in the world does a person really think about when to use it’s vs. its? I mistaken one for the other quite often while writing blog posts, mostly because I type quickly and my brain sometimes works faster than my eyes. Or vice-versa. Or whatever. Sometimes I catch my mistakes during proofreading, but sometimes not. So I don’t want to beat up on people for making this error, since it’s an easy mistake to make. I’ll explain the way things are supposed to be here nonetheless.

It’s and its share the same exact pronunciation, although, there’s a huge difference among the meaning of each word. Its is possessive (belongs to) and it’s is two words that have been stuck together (it is). For instance, one may correctly write, “My wood chipper burned its fuel because we were running it too hard, but I must say, it’s a damn hard worker.” In this case, the fuel belonged to the wood chipper, hence the use of its. Also, the wood chipper (it) is a damn hard worker, hence the use of it’s (it is). Pretty easy, right?

Lose vs. Loose/Loser vs. Looser

Sometimes I wish people would just learn how to spell. I mean, seriously. Lose means to be deprived of. To cease to own or retain. “I don’t want to lose you, baby. You’re the love of my life.” Loser defines something that’s lost something, such as a game or a contest. “You’re such a loser. I can’t stand you.” Loose is the opposite of tight. It’s when something isn’t firmly or tightly in place. For instance, “Be careful, the top of that peanut butter jar is loose.” Looser is a comparative adjective meaning “more loose.” It’s debatable whether or not looser is even a word, but it certainly doesn’t mean what people think it means in the comment sections on the internet. “That guy is a looser. Jeez.”

“A” Before a Vowel

I read this error much more than I hear it. Probably because people so frequently text and write quick posts on Facebook as a medium of communication, as opposed to speaking. It’s also difficult to make this mistake through speech because it sounds ridiculous. I do wish they’d be more careful though because through their blundersome writing, they are stupefying the world. As others read their words, those others become more dumb than they were previously. And honestly, we’ve got enough dumb people on this planet. We don’t need any more.

This is what I oftentimes read: “It’s a honor to meet you. You’re a articulate man.” Notice the a before the h in honor and articulate. In those cases, the a should actually be an an. Why? I’ll tell you below. By the way, the sentence should actually read, “It’s an honor to meet you. You’re an articulate man.”

The Rule
It’s not so much a vowel itself that calls for an an to precede it, but a vowel sound that calls for it. And it’s not so much a consonant that calls for an a, but a consonant sound. For example, “The man carries a ubiquitous style about him.” Notice the a that precedes the word ubiquitous? Even though ubiquitous begins with a vowel, that particular vowel sounds like a y, a consonant (most of the time). How about this – “It’s an honor to meet you, sir.” Or, “The bus arrives in an hour.” Notice the an that precedes both honor and hour? Both letters h are consonants, but sound like the vowel o, so they get an an.

Most of the time, this is an easy rule to follow. You’ll hear and read sentences like this: “Wow! Is that a cat?” and “Boy, that was an underhanded move.” But, of course, people still get it wrong far too often.

Less vs. Fewer

Back when I was a kid, I’d say things like, “Hey mom, there were less people at church this morning – am I right?” And then she’d slap me silly and hang me by my toenails from the clothesline. “Fewer, Jay. There were fewer people at church this morning. If you can count them, it’s fewer!” Can you even imagine that people out there today still say things like, “Less of us are going to the party tonight”? It doesn’t even sound good, but people will be people. I actually do hear it all the time and it’s disappointing, especially when the word fewer can have such a profound effect on who a person is speaking with. It sounds intelligent and it presents very well.

The Rules
If you can count the objects to which you are referring, use the word fewer. If you can’t count whatever it is to which you are referring, use less. Here are some examples:

There are fewer animals in the forest than there used to be.

Fewer cars are driving through.

There’s less water in the glass now than there used to be.

He’s less thoughtful than the boy next door.

The quantity of ocean water seems to be less this year, but then again, there are fewer oceans to measure.

Where this becomes tricky is when dealing with money and time. If someone were to say, “The national debt is rising at a decreasing rate. That’s good because it’s only increasing less than a trillion dollars a day now,” that would sound okay because that monetary amount is nebulous and changing. It would sound strange to hear, “…it’s rising fewer than a trillion dollars…,” but I guess fewer would be okay in this case as well.

Also, when discussing hours and minutes and time in general, go ahead with whatever sounds best. I’ve tried to use fewer when having these types of conversations and I sounded like a fool, so I use less when it’s called for. A person can’t be too “mathematical” when speaking, even if what the person says is technically correct. Whomever is being spoken to will dismiss the other person as being robotic and difficult to get along with and we don’t want that. “We’ve got less than 35 minutes to get there,” is fine, even though you can count the minutes. The problem is, there are seconds involved between those minutes and the sentence can get sticky. It’s like the dollars thing above. There are cents to contend with, so less is fine in these types of situations.

To vs. Too vs. Two

To differentiate which of these three words is called for in a sentence, it’s important to understand what each word means. Or how it’s defined. I’ll define each of these three words below.

To is a preposition that is used to show location, distance, or motion.
Example: I’m going to walk to the park.

Two is a number that follows one. 
Example: I own two cats and two ferrets.

Too is an adverb that means also, more, or very.
Example: Can you please include me too?

People oftentimes confuse these three words, which is a shame because, as I mentioned above, they all have different meanings and are different parts of speech. A person can’t walk too the park and a person can’t be included two. A person can’t own to cats and to ferrets either. Unfortunately, misspellings like these occur frequently and because of them, the readers of sentences like these have trouble understanding their meaning.

They’re vs. There vs. Their

The confusion between they’re, there, and their is very similar to the above. The three words sound exactly the same but have wildly different meanings.

They’re is a contraction of the words they and are. 
Example: They’re coming for you, so you better behave!

There is an adverb that means in or at that place. 
Example: I’m driving there right now, so I’ll meet you there.

Their is the possessive case of the pronoun they, meaning belonging to them.
Example: It’s not your turn; it’s their turn. Yes, it’s theirs.

When people make this mistake with their writing, I suspect it’s because they simply don’t know how to spell the version of the word they wish to use. I believe they understand the meaning, but don’t know the proper spelling. This is why it’s helpful to learn how to spell. If in doubt, simply browse to Google and type in, “they’re vs. there vs. their.” It’s that easy. Really, it takes 10 seconds to learn this stuff. There’s no valid excuse in the world to post the wrong spelling to Facebook for 15 years straight.

Who’s vs. Whose

Again, this is another case of misspelling a word that sounds like another. very quickly:

Who’s is a contraction of who is. 
Example: I need to be sure who’s coming with me.

Whose is the possessive form of who, a relative pronoun.
Example: I need to be sure whose laptop this is.

I guess the way to remember the difference between these two words is to remember that the apostrophe means that who’s is a contraction, which is two words stuck together. So if you can remember two words for one and possessive for the other, you’ll be in good shape.

The Unnecessary Question Mark

For some people, when to use and when not to use a question mark is confusing. Sometimes, a sentence sounds like a question or might seem like a question, but is actually a statement. If a person isn’t certain of whether a sentence is a statement or a question, they tack on a question mark just to be sure. I haven’t noticed this type of mistake very much in the past, but for some reason, I’m seeing it more and more these days.

A question mark (?) is placed at the end of a sentence that is a direct question. For example, this is a direct question: “How are you today?” Here’s another: “What’s the capital of Nebraska?” This isn’t a question: “I’m wondering how you are today.” This last one is actually a direct statement. I’m wondering something and that thing is how you are today. Just because the word how is floating around within the sentence, that doesn’t mean it’s a question.

I’m beginning to see sentences that incorrectly use question marks as their ending punctuation. Sentences like: “It boggles my mind how crazy he is?” and “I don’t know if I’m qualified to do it?” I suspect part of the issue with those who write these types of statements is that they’re actually questioning themselves as they write. Sort of like, “How can he be so crazy?” and “Am I qualified to do it?” They just get ahead of themselves and add question marks where they don’t belong.

Proper punctuation is critically important if someone would like others to understand the meaning of their communication. A person can’t willy-nilly add periods, commas, quotes, and question marks where they don’t belong, or omit them where they do, and expect their message to produce the impact they desire. It simply doesn’t work that way. Proper punctuation is key to being understood.

Lay vs. Lie

“I’m going to lay you down so I can lie next to you.” This really is as far as I need to go with this. If you read the first sentence of this section carefully, you’ll see that lay and lie have two different meanings. I’ll explain them below.

To lay means to place something down in a flat or reclined position. To lie means to either move yourself into a flat or reclined position or to already be in that position. The primary difference between these two words is the subject that’s being acted upon. Lay is what people refer to as transitive, meaning, usage of the word depends on the fact that there’s an object to be acted upon. A separate, outside object, other then the self. Lie is what people refer to as intransitive, meaning, no outside object is dependent upon. A person can lie him or herself down.

Incorrect
I will lie this scarf on the shelf.

Correct
I will lay this scarf on the shelf.

Incorrect
Do you mind if I lay next to you?

Correct
Do you mind if I lie next to you?

This is another one of those mistakes that has taken the world by storm. Almost everyone I’ve ever heard attempt to use the word lie, has used the word lay instead, incorrectly. Let’s just say hardly anyone says lie, while nearly everyone says lay.

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There are so many more common grammatical and spelling mistakes out there that I’d love to share, but I surely need to stop somewhere. If you’d like to add your favorite (or most loathsome) to the comments so we can discuss, I’d enjoy reading what you have to say. Until then, thanks for reading!

Since arriving in the state, Laura and I have engaged in a few “Maine” activities. I think this one might take the cake though. There aren’t many that are more Maine than cutting down one’s own Christmas tree. In the forest. In a whole bunch of snow.

We’ve been scouting the perfect specimen since October and our goal was to cut the chosen one in November, a day after Thanksgiving. If we cut it early enough, we’d enjoy it in all its splendor for as long as possible. Luckily, we did, in fact, locate the perfect tree in October, but unfortunately, we weren’t able to cut it the day after Thanksgiving as planned. At the moment, I can’t recall why. We probably forgot. Either way, it’s a good thing we didn’t because when we did manage to get around to it, the snow was nice and deep, making for a memorable event.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, our property is loaded with balsam fir trees. And when I say loaded, I mean loaded. The above photo is an example of what you’d find if you walked through our forest. There are tons of them.

The thing is, not all the trees on our land would make suitable Christmas trees. The new growth that’s close to the ground is just too small, weak, and flimsy and much of the older growth is too tall and, well, sort of ugly. To settle upon the perfect Christmas tree, one needs to look to the tips of the older growth for a pleasant conical shape and maximum density. If those two characteristics are available, that’s the tree.

We actually had quite a few candidates from which to choose, but the one we agreed upon was purposefully semi-close to the house, which meant less dragging through the snow. Maneuvering in the conditions we faced isn’t the easiest of tasks when carrying both a heavy chainsaw and pine tree top. But since the ordeal occurs only once per year, I was generally good natured about it all.

You may notice from the above photos that I was buried in the thick of things during my attempt to traverse to the tip of the tree. This “burying” was unintended. I actually meant to fall the stick (that’s arborist speak) in the opposite direction, but just as bad luck would have it, the tree fell backwards. This meant that I’d need to climb over other fallen trees and brush to cut in a mish-mash of methods to reach the prize. But once all of that was completed, I did, in fact, reach my prize. Here she stands.

Because the tree was so beautiful, it pained me to cut it even more. We only needed about four feet of it, so what you see directly above was just about halved. What a shame too. We decided last year that, from now on, our trees would be posted at the base of our front window. That area only stands, as I mentioned, four feet. Eventually, I did what I had to do and you can see the final result at the top of this post.

I’ll tell you that this year’s Christmas tree is truly superb. It’s small, but it offers just the right amount of spirit and that’s exactly what I was after. Merry Christmas!

The older I get, the more concerned I become with what I’ll do with myself after I reach retirement age. I suppose that age is 65, which, to me, is rather arbitrary. As of this moment, I don’t plan on acting any differently the moment I reach my alleged retirement, but the more I look around at folks who already have, the more I worry.

Have you ever watched what the average old man does? I mean, really watched? It’s terrible. By and large, old men do a lot of sitting on couches and roaming around the garages that used to play host to productive activities. Nothing productive really goes on in these garages anymore because old men either slow down to such a degree as to avoid doing or needing to have done anything real or they pay people to do whatever it was they used to do. So basically, old man garages are echoes of what used to be, which leaves these people standing to ponder brighter days that once were. It’s so depressing to watch and even think about.

Do you know what else old men do? They accompany their wives during trips to Costco. They sit in the passenger seats of their very reasonable Subaru-like vehicles and have their wives drive them around to pick up pills, go grocery shopping, and buy gigantic packages of toilet paper. Maybe, if they’re lucky, their wives will let them purchase a 12-pound package of salmon fillet. Because it was on sale. Again, if you aren’t depressed by this point, I’m not sure what’s wrong with you.

When Laura and I used to live in Palm Coast, I once saw a couple who seemingly relocated to the area weeks or months before. I’m not sure how I knew they had recently relocated, but I had a feeling. I watched as the couple wandered through the aisles of Publix, holding hands in silence, very slowly glancing at the groceries they might want to purchase for the coming week. The exact reasoning for my interest in this couple alludes me now, but I’m sure I said to myself somewhere along the way, “Please shoot me if I end up like either of these people.” Their apathetic nature disturbed me. Both individuals were utterly dull. If there had ever been any love between either of these folks, it had evidently evaporated long ago. I imagined them living up north in some suburb of Hartford or New York City or perhaps even Trenton and being fascinated by the idea of retiring to Palm Coast. “There’s no snow,” they’d tell their friends. And they’d continue, “Yes, our home is being built right now and we have a move-in date of January 3. We’re super thrilled about our new lives. We plan on becoming involved with the community.” Eventually, they moved into their new home, became bored with it within weeks, never involved themselves with the community, and wondered why they ultimately wanted a divorce. Ugh. But really, I’m not sure why I bring this particular couple into this post when the fault of their existence together could have been placed with either one of them individually. Maybe though, they were simply a malfunctioning dyad. I honestly don’t know. I still blame the man though – I got the sense he was supposed to be in charge. He gave up somewhere along the way and his wife followed his lead.

A dull existence isn’t to be blamed solely on location, to be sure. I see old men who have nothing to do here in Maine all the time. The thing is, I’m not sure they ever spent their days doing anything interesting. Perhaps these people I witness – driving around aimlessly, puttering about their property with wheelbarrow in hand, chipping ice from their rooflines with a spear-like shovel weren’t all that productive to begin with. Maybe they’re lower on the scale of intellectualism. I suppose they may lack purpose, which brings me to the crux of this post. What’s a guy to do as he enters and lives through old age?

Productivity, Intellect, & Purpose

First and foremost, every single man who’s worth his salt will steer clear of the television. He will not, in any way, shape, or form, watch the 6 o’clock news. He won’t watch the weather forecast and he’ll know little of politics. He’ll avoid the internet, his phone, and any app that may be calling his name. YouTube is not a friend. Facebook, Instagram, and their ilk were purposefully and specifically created to turn once fully-functioning minds into mash potatoes. The human psyche was never meant to absorb advertising at the rate social media produces it and please don’t get me going on memes, the most moronic idea and word humankind has created as of yet.

What I just mentioned above are not friendly things. They’re utter thieves of the one most valuable commodity available to every living soul on earth – time.

I think about this topic far too often. I don’t want to become a man who sits and watches television all day long and who has no purpose. The truth of the matter is though, as people age, their relevance fades. If I became a multi-ranked Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu coral belt in 10 years, I highly doubt many students would take me seriously enough to listen to my advice, no matter how often I displayed the belt. Maybe the white belts would be impressed during the beginning of their training by my achievement, but the moment they rolled with me and learned how deteriorated I truly was, they’d surely stop listening. I’d be like the man standing on the road in front of his neighbor’s home while a tree is being removed. I’d fail to resist the temptation of telling the professionals, “You know, I used to do this same job when I was younger…” As if they care. And as if any of the 20-somethings would actually believe I had been privy to the modern equipment they’d surely be taking advantage of. Back when I actually did do tree work, my fellow workers and I were forced to listen to an old timer tell us about how his worn out hand saw is, “Faster than any chain saw you fellas use today!” Sure, old man. Sure it is.

I’ve come to conclude a worthy old age experience will revolve around using my mind. So instead of being a bored old man who wanders around looking for something…anything to do, I’ll be one who uses my brain and who accomplishes things. Pretend you’re sitting next to your grandfather. Pretend you ask him what he’s been up to and pretend he answers the way you’d expect. “Oh, nothing much. Your grandmother has me trimming the hedges. I also helped dry the dishes this morning.” Really? That’s it? These kinds of answers makes me want to slap someone.

Now pretend he responds with something like, “What have I been up to? What haven’t I been up to? Your grandmother and I just returned from a trip to the Cotswolds where we hiked and photographed for two weeks using my old-school 1976 Canon AE-1 35mm camera. Come check out my new darkroom where I process my film. Oh yeah, I’ve also been writing for a magazine and I recently purchased a beautiful new tweed suit. It’s real Harris tweed!”

The latter is the type of man I’d like to be. A man who sits outside Café Kitsuné in Paris, sipping expresso. I’d like to be a man who photographs and blogs and writes for people who haven’t the wherewithal to write. Secretly, of course. I’d need no credit. I’d write for the sake of writing. I’d also like to read and buy used books as if all the authors had ceased their authoring and no new books were being published. I’d like to remain productive. I’d like to buy ingredients for dishes I’d prepare for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I’d like to find a pub near where we’d live and drink Guinness like it’s the medicine it is. I’d like to walk and talk and sit to discuss the finer things in life. I’d like to build things and analyze design with those who know much more than I do. I’d like to study history and visit places and learn about society and culture. And one day, I’d like to surprise Laura with a dog. We haven’t had one of them in a long while. And oh yeah, I’d also like to surprise her with a gîte. She’s an entrepreneur and she’d love the income.

I’d also like a motorcycle, but we’ll discuss that another time.

What I really don’t want to do is end up being boring and dull. An unproductive and unintellectual old man who has no purpose. Why? Because there are already too many of that type and I really don’t think the world needs another.

In today’s post, I’d like to discuss a very simple topic. The topic is investing. The topic many financial advisors would lead you to believe is incredibly difficult to wrap your head around. Of course, if you’ve got loads of money and many options for living and retiring, things can quickly become complicated, but if you’re a regular middle class guy or gal and you’d like to live a bit easier in your later years (45+) and not have to work until you’re 80, you may want to continue reading. The entire thing is very straightforward. It’s a favorite subject of mine, this investing is, but trying to get people to listen to me is a chore unto itself. It’s probably for this reason I chose to write this post. Maybe, just maybe, someone will read it.

Instead of explaining the theory and philosophy behind investing, I think I’ll simply tell you what to do. So if you’re 20, 30, 40, or 50 years old, read through this post and then after you’ve finished, go ahead and follow the instructions I give in it. It really is that easy.

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First and foremost, you’ll need money. In order to have that money, you’ll need to avoid spending as much of it as you can. If you’re relatively young, remain living with your parents as long as possible as to avoid wasting your income on rent or a mortgage (and all the misery that comes with them). If you decide to follow this advice, don’t fall for the idea of spending your hard earned income on something other than those two things – that would defeat the purpose. People do this all the time. They save their rent or mortgage payments, but decide to go drinking with their buddies instead. They also buy nice new vehicles. That’s stupid. Other things to avoid: Debt, such as car loans and student loans, credit cards for any purpose, vacations of any kind, and generally any other absurd item an average American would waste his or her money on. Simply put, save your money for investing as opposed to wasting it on what might make you feel good at the moment. Have a bit of self control and a forward looking perspective.

Second, begin thinking like an investor. Don’t buy a new lawnmower to mow your own lawn only. Buy one to mow your lawn, your neighbor’s lawn, and the guy’s lawn down the street. Think about how much income any expense might create. That’s just smart thinking. Also, begin considering where you place any extra cash you may have accumulated through the years. If it’s sitting under your mattress, it’s being eroded by inflation, meaning, any cash that’s idle and not working for you is worth less today than it was yesterday. So don’t sit on cash. PS – CDs and high-yield savings accounts aren’t cash. They’re interest bearing investment vehicles.

Third, avoid residing in expensive to live in states and avoid becoming connected to someone who doesn’t share your frugal values. After all, if you’re burning through your income trying to pay for groceries, gasoline, and real estate (+ taxes) in New York or California, as well as trying to make your wife or husband happy through materialism, you’ll lose. You’ll lose every time. Mark my words.

Now that I’ve gotten those basic life lessons out of the way, I’ll discuss the two EFTs I initially intended to write about in this post. They are VOO and VYM (those are the ticker symbols) – the only two you’ll need to know about. I’ll discuss them one at a time.

VOO is a domestic, large blend EFT owned and operated by Vanguard. It costs only .o3% of you entire holdings to own per year. It’s a mixture of some of the world’s largest and most exciting stocks (Apple, NVIDIA, Amazon, Facebook, Tesla) and has been in existence since 2010. It basically tracks the S&P 500. When this EFT was first offered to the public in September of 2010, one share cost $101.78. As of this writing, one share is worth $555.61. You do the math. If you spent around $100 in 2010, would you be happy with the approximately $555 sitting in your account today, plus all the dividends you’ve received through the years? Probably. I’d say that’s money well spent. After all, you’d enjoy a 445.89% return, excluding the dividends.

Purchasing shares of VOO is a good idea if you’ve got a Roth IRA or any retirement account, for that matter. It’s not generally a fund for every day use. Why not? Because it offers a low dividend, relatively speaking, of approximately 1.22% at the time of this writing. That dividend isn’t enough to live off of and the capital growth of each share is perfect for retirement. It’s something you’d want to sit for decades. And I mean that – the earlier you begin investing, the more you’ll be thanking yourself for it later on in life. Decades later. That’s the entire point – you’re investing for later life comfort.

Another reason you might not want to own VOO in a taxable brokerage account is because it contains real estate stocks, which are taxed differently than non-real estate stocks. It’s not a huge deal at around 2%, but if you’re looking for a more pure option that doesn’t include any real estate, read below.

Simply put, VOO is an excellent option as a retirement EFT. Right now, it contains 503 stocks, which is a nice wide spread of the entire market. The lower dividend percentage keeps it from being something you’d want to live off of during early retirement, but its higher growth is great for when you’ll need it down the road.

If you’re interested in slowing your work life or perhaps retiring early, VYM is a good option as far as ETFs go. VYM includes no real estate stocks, which makes it appealing for owning in a taxable brokerage account. Also, it’s got a fairly healthy dividend of 2.75%, which a person could quite possibly live off of if that person owned enough shares. VYM is a large value EFT owned and operated, again, by Vanguard. Its expense ratio is .06%, slightly higher than VOO. If you were to purchase one share of this EFT at its inception in November of 2006, you’d pay $50.54. It’s worth $131.87 today, which would give you a 160.92% return over the entirety of its life. While this return may seem somewhat lower than VOO’s, you need to remember that the annual dividend per share is higher than VOO’s and has been on an upward trajectory since the beginning. So what you’re not getting in capital appreciation, you’re getting in dividends, which is perfect to fund your lifestyle while you’re not working. And again, this is why you need to begin investing early – to appreciate and spend the dividends you’ll be cashing in later on in life.

VYM includes large, mature companies in its portfolio. Companies that, instead of reinvesting their earnings into themselves, return those earnings to their shareholders in the form of dividends. Of the current 536 companies, Broadcom, JPMorgan Chase, Exxon Mobil, Home Depot, and Procter & Gamble maintain the largest pieces of the pie. So if you were to own just these two ETFs (Voo & VYM), you’d be very well diversified, something you’d have a difficult time achieving a few decades ago. You’d also own a fair amount of some of the world’s most successful companies for very little overhead cost. The expenses are low for these ETFs, which makes ownership nearly guilt-free.

What are the benefit of owning ETFs? ETFs trade like stocks any time the market is open, which is something you needn’t concern yourself with because you’re not planning on selling any shares, right? Please tell me I’m correct. Once you buy, you hold for the long term. The market will rise and fall and all the while, you’ll be buying more and more shares with your monthly additions of $50, $100, $500, $1000 – whatever you can do. But again, remember that the more you buy the earlier you can, the better your life will be later on down the road. I can’t stress that enough. Every single day you wait and put this effort off, you will lose money tomorrow. Waiting is how folks end up working until the day they die. You don’t want to end up like that.

The real benefit of owning ETFs for people like you and me is the diversification of their holdings. Back when I was a kid, I can remember my father talking about owning Nabisco stock. That’s the only one I ever heard about. And my friend’s father owned shares of Boeing. Both my father and my friend’s father were forced to use brokers for their purchases and sales and these brokers cost a fortune in transaction fees. Today, we can open a Schwab account for free, transfer money from our checking account to Schwab for free, and buy shares of most stocks and ETFs for free. There are no barriers to entry anymore. The only barrier is the actions of the individual. And really, if people simply learned to behave themselves and avoid buying their daily coffee from the coffee shop or dinner from McDonalds, they’d have plenty of money to invest for tomorrow.

If you remember nothing from this entire post, please remember this: If you have no employment income and earn less than $48,350 in qualified dividends per year, you pay absolutely no tax. No social security, no Medicare, no federal tax, no state tax, no nothing. So if you sit in a chair on your front lawn and do absolutely nothing every single day of the year and your ETFs earn you less than $48,350 during that year, you’ll quickly learn that, as you complete your tax filing for the year, you’ll have nothing to pay. And as a matter of fact, you’ll likely receive some sort of a refund from the state. This is a very open secret people continuously try to tell others about. Save your money, invest that money, earn your dividends, and retire early. No more breakfast burritos, no more Taco Bell, just save and invest and earn a whole bunch of tax free dividends.

I hate to admit it, but there was a time I was against motor vehicle inspections. I always thought they were a waste of energy. For me, anyway; they got in my way. The fact that they existed forced me to do something I didn’t want to do – an extra and irritating chore. And honestly, they still do get in my way, but that’s because of the simple fact that I know how to perform my own vehicle maintenance and repairs.

Over the past few months, I’ve listened to two stories told to me by two different gentlemen. Both stories concluded basically the same thing – that neither of the cars they had attempted to pass inspection, passed. One gentleman indicated that the auto mechanic wanted to charge him $3000 for the necessary repairs to “get a sticker” and the other gentleman was told it would cost approximately $900. Now, from personal experience, I know that each of these repairs would have probably cost around, in total, $400 and $150 in parts respectively if the owners had done the work themselves, but obviously not everyone has the knowhow or wherewithal to get things like this done.

I’ve been working on my own cars since I owned my very first one at 16 years old. That was a 1981 WV Rabbit. After that, I owned a Buick Regal, Chevy Camaro, Chevy pickup truck, Honda Prelude, Honda Accord, and many others. Nearly every one of my cars and trucks needed work. I can’t even imagine how much I would have spent if someone else did that work and then charged me for both the (inflated cost of) parts and labor. Most of the reason I messed with my cars so much was for the fun of it – I enjoyed taking things apart and putting them back together. For most people, however, they don’t want to go near such things. Needless to say, when one of my vehicles required a repair, I knew it needed it before the car even knew it needed it and I did whatever required doing myself. So when it came time for an inspection sticker, I was wasting part of my day by having someone else look at what I was driving. I had the skills of a mechanic, so all I really sought was the sticker. And that’s why I was so against the entire ordeal.

Remember the two gentlemen I mentioned above? Neither of them know how to work on cars. Neither of them would have any idea their brake pads needed replacing and neither of them would realize the undercarriage of their truck was rusted out so badly that they’d soon be sliding down the road, butt to blacktop, rather than sitting comfortably in their driver’s seat. It’s because of reasons such as these that I came to conclude that, yes, the general public needs to have an eye kept on them and one way to do that is through yearly motor vehicle inspections. So as much as it pains me to say, since I’m part of the general public, I must have my own car and truck inspected too.

If you live in Maine and if you know nothing about cars or trucks, it’s important to find a qualified mechanic who will lift your vehicle inside a garage, pull off the wheels, and meticulously filter through each and every aspect of what might need filtering through – tires, brakes, brake lines, belts, filters, undercarriage, ball joints, struts – everything. If you’ve got a good guy who will do this for you, you’re in luck. And if he recommends that something needs a repairing or replacing, get whatever that is done. But if you’ve been working on your vehicles nearly your entire life and are careful about maintenance, go ahead and find another guy. One who is more efficient with his inspections. After all, having your car lifted and gone through with a fine tooth comb takes forever and many of us simply don’t want to wait for things like that.

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This year’s been a bit sketchy in regards to auto repairs and safety inspections. I had to do some work to get things up to snuff. When I went to get my truck inspected in September, I discovered that from having it sit unused for so long, the brake calipers had partially seized up. That required me to purchase and replace all four calipers as well as pads. But by doing the work myself, I saved a ton of money. What would have cost in the thousands, cost in the low to mid hundreds.

At the same time as this, my car was giving me trouble. Due to corrosion, I was forced to replace the transmission pan. While I had the pan off, I changed the filter, gasket, bolts, and fluid. The car needed a filter and fluid change anyway, so that dampened the blow of the somewhat overwhelming project. But again, I would have spent thousands if I had a mechanic do the work. By doing it myself, I spent about $250 and learned a lot during the process.

The car also needed a driver’s side taillight because the blinker wasn’t functioning properly. The fix was simple, but if I hadn’t shopped around or if I had a professional make the repair, I could have paid far too much for the part. For the car I drive, when the blinker goes bad, the entire light assembly needs changing. A mechanic would have charged me hundreds for the part. How much did I pay through Ebay? $57.

I often say that people don’t not know how to do something, but rather, they simply don’t do that something. They don’t try. Do you think I somehow magically knew how to change the transmission pan or how to properly add the fluid? I didn’t. I did the necessary research and then performed the work. I actually did it. That’s really all it takes sometimes – to do the work.

Anyway, that’s my spiel on vehicle inspections and auto mechanics. Love them or not, if you’ve got a car, they’re a part of life.

The good folks of Maine were stricken by some sort of disease last month. None of us knew what it was, but nearly all of us were affected, me included. At first, I thought it was a simple head cold induced by some dust that was cast into the air by a propane heater fan. Dust has been a trigger for me for most of my life. In fact, back in 2012, I trained Muay Thai at a club in Connecticut that used forced hot air as its heat source. The heat used to run while we were in class. That year, I caught seven head colds in the one season due to the dust spewed from the system. It was terrible.

Again, this year, I thought my illness was triggered by dust, but once others began presenting the same, or similar, symptoms, I knew that couldn’t have been the source. It must have been germ based. Stemming from either bacteria or from a virus, most likely a virus since it was contagious. Seemingly everyone was getting it. People from town, people from the food pantry, and people from jiu-jitsu class. Everyone. What’s worse was that this particular illness lasted weeks, unlike any other I’ve ever experienced. The symptoms began in the sinuses, moved to the head as a headache, and then moved to the throat and chest. Poor Laura even caught it and weeks later, is still coughing from lung irritation. Weird.

Just to let you know, I tested myself for COVID and the test came back negative. I’m suspicious of the test though because I have an odd feeling COVID had a part to play with this. Our collective susceptibility was just too coincidental. The thing moved too fast, was too debilitating, and lasted too long.

The disease isn’t what I wanted to discuss in this post though. It was merely a prelude to the suggested medicament, which is as entertaining as entertaining can get.

I volunteer with an old-school Maine woman. She moved to the state during her early teen years and has yet to leave. She’s now in her 80s and knows the rules of the road, so to speak. Basically, she’s seen a lot of things and knows how it all works in this part of the country.

Last week, as I was nearly healed from the suffering of my dreadful malady, this wonderful woman and I were speaking on the front steps of our organization. She noticed the lingering affliction in my eyes and indicated that I still appeared to be sick. I didn’t feel sick anymore, but I apparently still looked it.

She told me, “You know what will really kick this from your system?”

Of course I wanted to know, so I replied, “What? Oh please tell me so I can pass the information on to Laura. She’s still ill.”

My friend informed me of the cure and it goes like this: “Get yourself a big glass and fill it half way with whiskey. Then fill the other half with water, drink the entire thing, and go to bed. When you wake up in the morning, you’ll feel great!”

I couldn’t believe it. I thought this suggestion was the best thing ever.

I told her, “C’mon, that can’t really work,” to which she replied, “Hey, it’s worked for me. I’ve drunk that and when I woke up the next morning, I had no idea where I was.”

I do love Maine and I love the people in it. This whiskey cold cure is just about as Maine as it gets. Basically, drink enough to knock the cold right out of your soul. While I have no idea if this particular remedy actually has any positive effect on a person’s health, I’d certainly agree that a half glass of whiskey ingested in one gulp would make just about anyone feel…different. If I drank that much in one sitting, my cold would most likely be the last thing I’d be concerned with the next morning.

While straight-up whiskey therapy for a cold might not be the best road to travel down for most people, I’ve heard good things about what’s referred to as a hot toddy. What’s a hot toddy, you ask? It’s a simple drink that can ease the symptoms of just about anything. Here’s the very straightforward recipe:

Hot Toddy Recipe

¾ cup water
1 ½ ounces whiskey
2 to 3 teaspoons honey, to taste
2 to 3 teaspoons lemon juice, to taste
1 lemon round
1 cinnamon stick

Mix the liquid ingredients in a glass and toss in the lemon round and cinnamon stick. Drink up and enjoy. Sounds good to me, especially while sitting in front of a cracklin’ wood stove. See ya next time.

This is going to be an odd post. I’m not even sure what I’ll write. As of this moment and as I sit here and think, I’ve yet to conjure up anything that seems remotely cohesive. I suppose though, I’ll try my best. For me, that’s what these types of situations call for – my best. The issue at hand is that I’m feeling a certain way and I’ve yet to determine an effective articulation for those feelings.

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There’s a book floating around out there called, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It was written by Dale Carnegie way back in 1936. It’s actually one of the world’s most popular books – a title that’s been sold over 30 million times. I’ve read this book on numerous occasions and can confidently say that it’s had a tremendous effect on me. Probably the most tremendous effect from any book I’ve ever read. The first time reading it was during my attendance at Binghamton University in New York. My mother bought it and mailed it to me and boy did it leave an impression. It’s not a long read and it’s quite approachable. So much so that I wrote an entire summary of it on my other blog. You may find that summary here, if you were so inclined to read it, that is.

I’ll get right into it. This next paragraph may seem abrupt.

I’m concerned with the way people in this world are acting today. I witness their behaviors each week of each year and their lack of politeness is astounding. Consider this: If you were to walk into a room full of people between the years of 1685 and 1815 (during the Age of Enlightenment), chances are, someone would greet you and say hello. Ask you how you’re doing. Today? You’d not be likely to receive a glance. And if the entire population of that room did happen to glance your way, chances are no one would bother saying anything. This irritates me.

Here’s another example: Let’s say you achieved something remarkable. Another time, another place, perhaps you’d receive comments on your remarkability. Today? It’s like your remarkability is a threat to those around you. I get the sense that many folks out there would treat you with scorn rather than offer you the praise you deserve. I’d love to say I’m mistaken here, but I don’t think I am. The general sense I get is one of negativity and a distain for the fellow man. I’m sure I could go on and on regarding the reasoning behind this, but I’ll leave it here; many of us need to wake up to the needs of society and the individual. We must shed whatever weakness and laziness we’ve accumulated and determine ourselves to present a positive impact on others. I’m aware that my claims above are bold and I’d like you to know that I’m generally referring to society at large, rather than the small groups we belong to. Within those small groups, I’ve seen nothing but the best of behavior. Obviously, a few within every group leave something to be desired, but by and large, my experiences have been positive.

Back to my semi-rant. I’ll share a story with you to illustrate my point of all this.

Each week, I work with a very special group of people. We volunteer to help those in our community who may be in need. A few weeks ago, I was talking with one of our volunteers when she mentioned a book she was reading. Being the polite fellow I am, I asked her for the book’s title and author. Even if I had no intention of looking further into the book, the right thing to do was to ask her these questions. It made her feel as though her story was worthwhile and being listened to, which it was.

This woman and I continued to talk for a few more minutes when I was forced to excuse myself to help a person with a task. We parted ways until later in the day. Upon reconnecting, I sat and watched, we’ll call her “Jane,” work. After a few moments passed, I said, “You know Jane, you do a very good job here. I’ve come to conclude that there are a few people in this world who make the entire thing go round. You’re one of those people.” What I said was true. Jane visits our organization every single Monday and selflessly does her job for no pay and without complaint. She’s a wonder and I told her as much.

Here’s the crux: After I offered my thoughts to Jane, she began to cry. She said, “You know, I really needed to hear that today. It’s been a tough one.” She walked away from me, gathered her belongings and went home. I was left wondering what put this woman in such a state, but more so, I was left wondering how the entire group of us could have ignored Jane to such a extent that it took hours for her to hear something nice enough that would cause her to well up in tears. I can’t express how disappointed I was in myself for not paying better attention to the needs of our volunteers. Yes, people should speak up if they’re facing difficulties, but others should also take notice when something isn’t as it should be.

In general, I believe we need to begin paying attention to people other than ourselves. We need to demonstrate to the world how well-raised we are. Are you aware that most of us have mothers and fathers? Yes, it’s true. Do you know that it costs nothing and takes a mere moment for a mother or father to teach a child to show appreciation? To say please and thank you? To express interest in another? If you haven’t been taught to do these things yourself and if you aren’t paying attention the way you should, I implore you to read Dale’s book. It’ll teach you everything you’ll need to know. A good impression goes a very long way in regards to personal relationships, but a bad impression, unfortunately, goes an even longer way. I’ll leave you with this:

1. Approximately eight years ago, a boy who lived up the road from Laura and me told us he was graduating from high school. After hearing this, Laura bought him a card and I enclosed a congratulatory check for $50 in it. We gave both to him. Weeks later when we next saw him, because we hadn’t heard anything back, I asked if he opened the card. He replied, “Oh yeah. Thanks.” Wow. I’ll remember that experience forever and not in a good way.
2. Approximately five years ago, a family a few roads from ours gave Laura and me a dozen duck eggs. We thanked this family profusely for their generosity and being so grateful, Laura decided to spend about four hours of her day baking them a double-chocolate cake using some of the eggs they gifted us. The cake was made from scratch and the ingredients cost about $20 – mostly for the chocolate. It was an extraordinary cake. We gave the family the cake and never heard back from them. Weeks passed when I asked the family if they enjoyed it. One of them said, “Yeah, it was good. Thanks.” Wow. I’ll remember that experience forever and not in a good way.

Being polite means you need to go out of your way to make another person feel a certain way. First, you’ll need to ascertain how you’d like the person to feel and then you’ll need to make that feeling happen. Do you know that every single time Laura receives a gift from someone, no matter how big or small the gift, that person receives a hand-written note of thanks in return? Laura was raised to an extraordinary standard and it’s one of the characteristics that attracted me to her. She’s gracious and very, very polite. I just wish the rest of the world was more like her.

Remember, being polite isn’t a challenging concept to grasp. It exists when a person shows regard for another in their manner, speech, and behavior. The adjective polite stems from the mid-13th century Latin word, politus. Politus can be defined as refined, elegant, or even polished. It’s the demonstration of consideration for others, the using of tact, and the observing of social norms. What’s the opposite of being polite? Being rude, of course. And as we all certainly know, no one, and I mean no one, likes a rude person. So please be polite every chance you can.

PS – If you’re interested in learning about manners and etiquette, I encourage you to take a look at Emily Post.

Back in the 1990s, there was a quarterback for the New York Giants named Dave Brown. I remember watching him play. He was one of the best quarterbacks I’ve ever seen throw a ball. When Dave was on, he was really on. And when he was in this state, he seemingly transformed the football into a missile. Such accuracy and elegance. And speed! Boy, I remember watching those games when Dave was playing well. It was like nothing could stop him.

While Dave Brown was an incredible quarterback for the Giants when he was on, there were unfortunate times when he wasn’t. And when he wasn’t, he was an awful quarterback. During those instances, he was terrible for the team and as I recall, they really didn’t know what to do with the guy. Dave Brown was extraordinarily talented, but his problem was, he lacked consistency. Which, of course, cost him his career. It’s a shame because I believe everyone who watched him play, saw his talent – we really couldn’t miss it. We all hoped that he actually was as great as great could get. That inconsistency thing though – he simply wasn’t great all the time and consistent greatness is what the NFL demands.

I’ve played tennis since I was a young boy. During my early years, my mother sent me to tennis lessons at the town park and afterward, during the years that followed, I continued on with my lessons at a few other locations. I was an awful player. Sure, I’d get a hit here or there, but overall, I was terrible. Which begs the question – why in the world did I join the varsity tennis team when I was in only eighth grade? Not even in high school yet – my friend Russell’s mother talked me into it. She was in the midst of trying to persuade Russell into joining the team and, apparently, in order to do so, he needed a friend to come along. I decided to rescue him and I signed up alongside my good buddy. I even remained with the team after Russell quit a few weeks in. As least I was consistent with showing up.

The reason I bring Dave Brown’s name and ability into this post is because I think I’m a lot like him. Since my teen years, I’ve continued to play tennis and while I’ve learned a lot and have enjoyed my fair share of killer shots, I’ve yet been able to win a match to save my life. Not because I’m not talented, which I am. I’m talented like Dave Brown was. It’s because I’ve got no consistency. I choke. I get nervous and I screw things up when they matter most. But I’ll repeat, I have made some killer shots. Shots so good they’d earn the “Ooohs” and “Aaahs” of everyone watching. And that very same audience would continue to watch as I got clobbered for the rest of whatever game I was playing. Now that I’m middle age and being honest, I can reveal that I haven’t played in years – because of the aforementioned reasons. I still remember how terrible I was and I chalk it up to tennis being one of those things I probably should have avoided since the beginning. Like golf, it’s a game that messes with the head. And apparently, I’m not great at having my head messed with.

I’d like to share a quick tennis story with you. It’s about the time I joined the high school varsity team as a middle schooler. What audacity I had, thinking I could go off and play against those guys who had already hit puberty. Yes, Russell’s mother talked me into it and yes, Russell quit a few weeks after the season began, but while we were together, Russell and me, we enjoyed ourselves. Every day, we’d leave the middle school after classes had finished, walk through the sports fields, all the way to the elementary school, where Russell’s mother worked as a teacher’s aide for none other than my very own first grade teacher, Mrs. Bubley. We’d enter the classroom, where we’d be greeted by a two cans of soda and two very large cookies that were purchased from the Italian deli up the road. Mrs. McKee’s way of bribing two boys who weren’t necessarily interested in playing tennis, as their first choice of activities, anyway. Her bribes worked and we continued drinking the soda and eating the cookies, that is, until Russell decided he didn’t want either anymore and stopped showing up. From that point on, I walked straight from the middle school to the tennis courts, where I’d lose every match I ever played.

During the season, I practiced my game and took tips from the boys who were older than me. Their tips did help and I managed to win a few games, but really, I wasn’t proficient by any meaning of the word. I attended every practice and went to each and every meet. I even joined in the “away” meets where I’d play against boys from other school on their courts. While I haven’t the foggiest memory of most matches, I do happen to recall one in particular. It was an away meet. I remember the coaches placing me against another boy who was about the same age as I was. We were set aside on a court away from the others and were left to our own devices. Since the boy was so young, I thought I had a chance. I didn’t. He handily beat me, which was fine. At least I was able to keep my record of 0-0-0-0.

When the season ended, the entire team was to gather one evening in a high school classroom for an exciting event called “awards night.” Awards night was basically the culmination of everything that occurred on every field, court, or mat during the entire season. It was when all the sport teams gathered to discuss their wins and losses and to congratulate each other on their successes and proud moments. But more importantly, it was the night when the coaches awarded the players with their varsity letters. After all, these were high school teams and if a player participated in enough games, that player earned a letter. I’d participated in all of the games, so I was quite excited about purchasing my school jacket to which I’d sew my letter. As of yet, no one in my family had earned a letter, something I’d readily change.

A man named Mr. Martino was our coach. He was sort of a nice guy. A bit cocky and had that swagger high school teachers exhibited in those days. A lifer who I’m sure retired years ago. Mr. Martino scrolled through the list of players that awards night. He stood in front of the classroom behind the teacher’s desk and called out each individual’s name, who was to walk up to the front, shake hands with him, graciously accept the letter, and return to his desk. It was a moving ceremony, really. The players were overjoyed by their achievements and varsity letters were held up to lower rib areas to show where they’d soon be situated. I was impressed.

The strange thing was…after the final name was called, I realized that I sat alone as the only student who hadn’t received anything. And it wasn’t only me who realized this, the other players did as well and when one of them mustered up the courage to shout, “Hey, what about Jay?,” the others joined in as well. Out of all the wonderful occurrences I experienced that night, those players showing such concern for my well being was the most special. And it’s something I remember to this day.

Under pressure, Mr. Martino looked up and said, “Oh yeah. Jay, c’mon up.” I didn’t waste any time striding forth to that desk to take a firm hold of the only letter left. I placed my fingers on it, pressed them into that soft green and white material, smiled at the coach, and gave him a huge, “Thank you!” After that, I returned to my desk to revel in all the glory the universe would offer me that night. I had done it. I had actually been the first, as far as I knew then, middle schooler to have earned a real, genuine, authentic, and extremely cool looking varsity letter for playing a high school sport. As you could imagine, I sat firmly on cloud nine. The other players appreciated the sentiment as well and showed as much when they clapped for me. They all knew I didn’t really earn the thing for winning any games, but they were glad I got something for my efforts and commitment.

After a few moments, the coach indicated that the show was over and all of us were to head on home. As everyone else was almost gone from the classroom, I stood from my seat and, before I exited too, walked up to the desk to thank Mr. Martino for what he had given me. I said, “Thanks coach. This means the world to me.” He replied, “Oh yeah, let me have that back,” and ripped the letter from my hands. He slid it in his folder and walked out.

And that was that. To this day, I’m not sure a middle schooler has ever received a varsity letter.