Category: Ramblings (page 1 of 3)

This is going to be a post about 90s dance music and the 90s New York City (and surrounding areas) nightclub scene. I’m not particularly proud of my once taste in music, but I’m certainly proud of the many good times I’ve had in the once nightclubs. There’s a lot to tell from this era and if you happened to have been alive during it and if you happened to have lived in the New York tri-state area, you may just relate to what I’m about to share below. Either that, or you were simply annoyed by the entire thing. Or you were somewhere in the middle.

I grew up about an hour north of New York City. I lived in what’s referred to as a bedroom community, which is a suburb located outside a city in which the bedroom community’s residents largely work. My town wasn’t particularly exciting and I, as well as many other residents, often lamented its lack of goings on. While my town wasn’t the center of activity, it was at least near the center of activity. Southern Westchester County as well as NYC offered tons to do. As I grew into my late teens and early twenties, I took full advantage of many of those offerings.

To start this post off, I’d like you to watch a bit of the following video. While it was recorded during the late 80s, it’s indicative of the energy of our area during the early to mid-90s. In the video is a once NYC DJ named Broadway Bill Lee. While he’s moved around quite a bit, during the late 80s and early 90s, he worked as a jock at the high energy radio station, Hot 97. During the late 90s, he worked at WKTU, which was a direct competitor of Hot 97. Both stations have had their ups and downs, but when I was around 20 years old, they were the best dance stations on the air. Hands down, nothing could compare to the New York City radio market and none could compare to the talent that market attracted.

As a side note, I left southern New York in 1996, so I have no idea what happened to music after that. From what I gather, it exploded and went straight down hill. I’d like to think my absence had something to do with that.

There are a lot of heavy metal bands out there. I’m no aficionado, but I do know this: It’s widely believed that back in the late 60s, Black Sabbath initiated the birth of this genre. If you’ve ever heard of Ozzy Osborne, let it be known that he may just have been the impetus behind some of the most loved and followed music on the planet. And I mean that – metalheads are unlike any other type of music lover in existence. They were and still are dedicated, well informed, and are flat-out unique in so much of what they do in their lives. Back in the 80s, I’d see these folks walking up and down the sidewalks all decked out in their black jeans, black leather jackets, and spikes all over their wrists, shoulders, waistlines, and necks. Metalheads still exist today. Many of them have never lost their love of 70s and 80s metal and they’ll die wearing their lonely, somewhat off-putting outfits. That’s what the average person thinks of their clothing, anyway. But if the average person were to stop a metalhead to chat, they’d most certainly discover an introspective, hyper-resolute, and wildly thoughtful person. The depth of the metalhead isn’t to be underestimated.

When I was 12 years old, my friend Russell introduced me to a band named Metallica. There were two albums he had me listen to: Ride the Lightning and Master of Puppets. The first is heavier than the second, while the second is more, how do I say this, nuanced and mature than the first. They’re both incredibly awesome albums and if I had to guess, I’d say that Metallica is the most popular heavy metal band on the planet.

When I was a kid, there really were only a few popular bands to choose from; Metallica, Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Slayer, Megadeth, and perhaps Pantera. The reason I say perhaps regarding Pantera is because I hadn’t heard of them until the 90s. I never found them appealing either. As it pertains to Slayer and Megadeth… eh. A friend or two of mine listened to those groups, but they were really categorized in the death metal genre, making them difficult to listen to. Iron Maiden? I’ll share a quick story about them below, but for now I’ll simply say that as much as I’d love to love Iron Maiden, I can’t. They have so many albums to select from too, but unfortunately, I can’t stand their music. Perhaps a song or two is just okay and bearable, but otherwise, it’s a hard pass. Their album cover and t-shirt art is beyond reproach though. Again, more on them later.

Metallica was the one for me. The group was commercially successful and their albums were widely available. And they were damn good. Don’t believe me? Watch the video below and see why Metallica was and remains more popular and more loved than any other. By the way, the concert below was held in Moscow and it was estimated to have attracted 1.6 million fans. And as you’ll see in the clip below, even those who weren’t fans before the music began promptly became fans after. Keep an eye on the military personnel. What a show.

To be fair, Metallica wasn’t the only band to perform at the aforementioned concert. AC/DC, The Black Crowes, and Mötley Crüe were also in attendance, making the concert, dubbed Monsters of Rock, one of the largest ever held.

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Back when I was a kid living in New York, I loved attending flea markets (marché aux puces, or market of the fleas, literally). At these markets, I’d buy all sorts of stuff. Usually pocket knives and bungee cords. I’m not sure why I was so enthralled with pocket knives at such a young age, but I was. And to this day, I wonder where they all went, as I don’t own them anymore. I’m going to guess my mother tossed them in the trash when I moved out of my parents’ house on my way to college. As for the bungee cords, I still buy them. I inherited that fancy from my father, I’m sure. He’s a bungee connoisseur as well.

I also bought handcuffs, fireworks, and concert t-shirts at times like these. And it’s one shirt in particular I’d like to sit at the center of a short story I’d like to tell.

It was a three-quarter sleeve Iron Maiden shirt I purchased at the Stormville Flea Market in none other than Stormville itself. In New York, if you’re not familiar with that gigantic, world-renowned market. I believe the grounds are used as an airport or something in between seller days, so you’ll understand when I tell you these summertime events were, and still are, enormous. I didn’t attend often, but when I did, I usually walked out of there with lots of goodies in hand.

The shirt was black with blue sleeves. It was really the coolest thing I ever saw, so I knew I needed to buy it. It was hanging on some lattice in between many other concert t-shirts in a vendor booth. I bought the shirt and wore it to school the next day. I was in 7th grade and as I sported the new Iron Maiden garment, I felt like a little badass. Actually, I was a little badass and this is the reason:

Above was the artwork on the back of the shirt and as for the front, it was a skull with chains hanging from its mouth. I can’t seem to locate an image of that at the moment. With such a cool looking graphic seared to my back, I could obviously feel only one way – like a badass, as stated above.

You need to know who I was when I was a kid. I had a few pairs of jeans and a couple of shirts. My favorite shirt of all time was a red hooded sweatshirt, which I wore nearly every single day. I used to tear holes in the knees of my brand new jeans and then splash bleach on them. I’d wash them so they appeared frayed and for years on end, I’d walk around looking like a freak. So really, the Iron Maiden shirt was fitting. It didn’t look out of place at all, considering the rest of my attire.

I was standing next to my locker in school when a group of what we referred to as burnouts approached me. The lead burnout named Russell (completely different Russell than the friend I mentioned above), with his greasy hair and his filthy jean jacket, grabbed me by the neck and pushed me up against the wall. He put his face against mine and whispered, “Name one song Iron Maiden sings.” I had never listened to Iron Maiden, much less studied their discography, so you can imagine my response. “I don’t know,” I said. To this, Russell replied, “If I catch you wearing this shirt once more, I’m going to kick the shit out of you.” Nuff said. Russell was about twice my size, a grade my senior, and apparently quite sensitive regarding Iron Maiden music. I nodded profusely in agreement and Russell let me go. After all the rest of the burnouts (smoking hoods from the wrong side of the tracks) finished their cackling and laughing, they walked away. I wiped the sweat from my brow and vowed to myself that I’d store that cool new shirt in my dresser at home. At least, for the time being. Perhaps until Russell moved out of town. But looking back now, I don’t recall ever wearing the shirt again and what’s more, I don’t know where it ended up either. It seems as though many of my childhood belongings just up and disappeared, without my knowledge. Mothers – you gotta love ’em. I’m sure she had something to do with everything that mysteriously evaporated.

I’m not sure Russell would get away so easily with threatening me today. While I’m sure he’s tough, I’m not one to back down like I used to. So Russell might enthrall himself in a struggle of sorts if he were to grab me by the neck once more. With this in mind, I’d gladly wear an awesome looking Iron Maiden three-quarter sleeve length concert shirt if given the opportunity. And that’s the moral of today’s story – grow older, train Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and exude confidence via the internet. Sometimes, that’s all we’ve got.

So there it is, Metallica in concert and a story of an Iron Maiden related fiasco. If you missed the 80s, let me just tell you that these types of things were merely the tip of the iceberg. Weekend after weekend, night after night, stuff in the metal world was happening. It was crazy and it was a time to be alive.

Off to bed.

I do believe I’ve found the Hemingway I’ve been waiting for. While I’m now on page 300 and something of For Whom the Bell Tolls, I marked page 252 because, on it, the writing was stellar. It’s the sort of writing that reminded me of The Road by Cormac McCarthy. By the way, if you enjoy what you read below, please take a look at The Road. It’s one of my top five favorite books of all time. It’s intense, to say the least.

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In all that, in the fear that dries your mouth and your throat, in the smashed plaster dust and the sudden panic of a wall falling, collapsing in the flash and roar of a shellburst, clearing the gun, dragging those away who had been serving it, lying face downward and covered with rubble, your head behind the shield working on a stoppage, getting the broken case out, straightening the belt again, you now lying straight behind the shield, the gun searching the roadside again; you did the thing there was to do and knew that you were right. You learned the dry-mouthed, fear-purged, purging ecstasy of battle and you fought that summer and that fall for all the poor in the world, against all tyranny, for all the things that you believed and for the new world you had been educated into. You learned that fall, he thought, how to endure and how to ignore suffering in the long time of cold and wetness, of mud and of digging and fortifying. And the feeling of the summer and the fall was buried deep under tiredness, sleepiness, and nervousness and discomfort. But it was still there and all that you went through only served to validate it. It was in those days, he thought, that you had a deep and sound and selfless pride—that would have made you a bloody bore at Gaylord’s, he thought suddenly.

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I’m still not thrilled with this book. While, yes, there have been some sections that were slightly better than just okay, so far, the author seems to have been paid by the word. I tend to have this issue with the classics. They were obviously written during another time and their suspense, nuance, and revelations of the ultimate truth by the end is typically somewhat ho-hum. I read The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas about a decade ago because of all the “Must Read!” reviews and while the ending was cleverly thought out, it certainly wasn’t worth the agony of reading the entire book. Although, I will say that Les Misérables by Victor Hugo and Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert were fun to read. I wouldn’t read either of them again, but there’s a sort of satisfaction one earns by trudging through something that seems as though it should have been listed as a Harvard Classic. Nothing in this post was actually listed there, but the titles I’ve mentioned seem like they should have been. By the way, if you’ve accomplished the Herculean task of completing those readings, God help you. You’ll never get that time back.

I read two pages of For Whom the Bell Tolls last night before my eyelids became so heavy I had to put the book down. It’s annoying when this type of thing happens because I can recall reading many, many pages of books I love. What I’d really like is if people who leave reviews for these books would do so honestly. This is not a “Must Read!” book. Perhaps by its end I’ll change my mind, but so far, it’s just not. If you’d like a list of must read books, just ask and I’ll give you one. But then again, maybe you’re not like me. Perhaps we don’t have the same tastes. Who knows. All I know is that I really did love the quote I displayed above and I’ve got my fingers crossed that there are more of them in the final 180+/- pages I’ve got left.

A few weeks ago, Laura and I decided to re-watch the entirety of Downton Abbey. We adore the series and if memory serves, this latest viewing was her fourth. It was my second. Granted, Laura has been aboard the Downton train since its inception. She, along with my mother, have been avid fans who harken back to the days of 2011 when it initially aired on PBS. I’ll confess that I ignored much of the hubbub. The brouhaha. As my mother filled me in on the show, I secretly thought she was mispronouncing Downtown, as in Downtown Abbey. As it turns out, she was correct and I was incorrect. Downton Abbey is a fictional estate located in Yorkshire County, England (filmed at Highclere Castle). It’s an excellent show, but not one without its drawbacks. It’s those drawbacks I wish to discuss in this post today.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever watched Downton Abbey – if you haven’t, just know that it’s based in England and many of the characters are “high society.” While I’m currently thinking of a few as I write this post, I’m primarily thinking of one – Mary. Her character was the highest of all society sounding and as I used to relax and watch the show, she’s the one I’d become the most annoyed with. Sometimes Lord Grantham as well, but really, I should’ve been annoyed with the writers of the show because Mary et al were simply following their lines. The writing befuddled me – why did the writers dumb things down so much? I used to tell Laura it was because of the American audience as they might not appreciate pretentious sounding speech, which didn’t make much sense. First, the show aired in Britain before it did the United States, and second, there’s nothing wrong with having the characters speak with language that offered a bit more formality, as I’m certain the way language was spoken during the late 1800s and early 1900s. And by “formality,” I mean, not so stupid sounding. Instead of, “When did you get here?” you’d say, “When did you arrive?” It’s mostly a vocabulary thing. I actually used the more formal sounding, “speak with language,” a few lines above as opposed to “talk with words.” Can you imagine me writing a post and using a sentence that reads, “People should really talk with words that are better”? What would you think of me?

Because I’m me and because I enjoy sharing with you thoughts that are annoying, I figured I’d discuss just a few simple words that can be easily replaced in anyone’s vocabulary right this moment. By enhancing a person’s vocabulary, that person will present better, sound more intelligent, and hold more credibility when having credibility matters most, e.g., asking for someone’s hand in marriage, being interviewed for a job, teaching students at a university. There are obviously additional instances when sounding intelligent and exhibiting credibility matters, but off the top of my head, the examples I gave are just fine. Simply put, a person shouldn’t sound basic if it can at all be helped.

Let me begin by linking to a page that offers some excellent information that describes informal vs. formal verbs, transitions, emphasis words, letter expressions, abbreviations, and slang. If you’re over the age of 18, you’ll want to review this page. It’ll assist with your maturing and with your enjoying the fruits of those scenarios I described above (credibility, etc…).

Next, I’ll take some of the information from the page I just linked to and turn it into readable and easily understood examples. My hope is that you’ll come to appreciate a more educated and formal sounding repertoire as it pertains to your speech. I’ll randomly pull from the list on the page.

Go Up/Down vs. Increase/Decrease

Informal
These prices really went up a lot lately. I think they should go back down to make people happy.

Formal
These prices have increased a lot lately. I think they should decrease once again to make people happy.

As you can see, it doesn’t take much to sound slightly more elegant when speaking. Don’t say things like, “The level went up.” Instead, say, “The level has increased.” Right? Or am I just crazy?

Doubt vs. Suspect

Informal
I doubt that politician is telling us the truth.

Formal
I suspect that politician is hiding the actual facts from us.
Or
I have strong suspicions that the politician is hiding the facts from us.

I use suspect so much more often than I use doubt or any other word that might be somewhat appropriate in cases such as these. Suspect clearly has a better sound to it. It’s a more descriptive word. Also, can you tell how you’d likely use the sentence with doubt in it when speaking with friends or family, but when out in public, you might want to consider using the sentences containing suspect or suspicions?

Put Up vs. Tolerate

Informal
If you put up with this, your children will be next.

Formal
If you tolerate this, your children will be next.

The line above is actually the name of a song written by the Manic Street Preachers. Put up is probably the most informal phrase out there. And besides being informal and terrible sounding, it’s got far too many meanings. Tolerate, on the other hand, sounds nice and is more succinct.

Watch the song in its entirety. I think you’ll enjoy it. It begins slowly, but picks up about half way through.

But vs. However

Informal
I like her a lot, but she smells horrible.

Formal
I like her a lot, however, she smells horrible.

Using the word however will truly set you apart from everyone who doesn’t have the inclination to use such a word. I’m guessing you don’t hear it in usage all too often. That’s a good thing because if everyone used it, we wouldn’t have the chance to shine like we do, or plan on doing.

Also vs. In Addition

Informal
I attended a community college when I was younger. Also, I attended a university.

Formal
I attended a community college when I was younger. In addition, I attended a university.

I can’t imagine anyone speaking to a friend like this, but it sure would be fun to try. Use in addition when speaking in front of a crowd or when writing a letter. Or, I suppose, when trying to make a political or economic point while arguing with those who are on the other side.

Bad/Good vs. Negative/Positive

Informal
I wasn’t expecting such a bad response. In the future, I’ll be looking for something good.

Formal
I wasn’t expecting such a negative response. In the future, I’ll be looking for something much more positive.

Do you know who uses the words good and bad in their vocabulary? Kids in grade school. And that’s because they don’t know any better. Admittedly, I’ll use those words while speaking ultra casually with friends (on the mean streets of Maine), but really, anything is better than stooping to that level. Find something – awful, horrible, terrible, great, perfect, wonderful. Anything. Imagine Mary (the Earl of Grantham’s daughter) from Downton Abbey uttering something such as, “Well, that’s just bad!” Wouldn’t you prefer hearing something like, “Well, that’s simply abominable!” I mean, c’mon.

Right/Wrong vs. Correct/Incorrect

Informal
Yes, that’s the right answer. I’m happy to see you’ve cleared the hurdle of being so wrong all the time.

Formal
Yes, that’s the correct answer. I’m happy to see you’ve cleared the hurdle of being so incorrect all the time.

This is something we as a world need to move past. Gone are the days of saying things like, “Yes, you’re right!” The reason being is that right is a very basic word that provokes little interest and intrigue. The same with the word wrong. In addition, both of these words offer multiple meanings which adds risk to their usage. Less risky and more intriguing (and more precise) alternatives are correct and incorrect.

Smart vs. Intelligent

Informal
If he was such a smart student, he would have earned an A!

Formal
If he was such an intelligent student, he would have earned an A!

Back when I was attending high school, I’d say things like, “Yeah, my friend is really smart. Smarter than me.” Today? I say things like, “Yeah, my friend is super intelligent. Much more intelligent than I am.” Notice the “I am” at the end of the second sentence as opposed to “me.” Think about that for a moment. Read the sentences over again and consider why I changed what I had initially written.

Smart is far too common of a word to use in everyday language. “Hey smarty pants!” “Boy, that’s a smart suit!” “My legs were smarting this afternoon.” “Does your son have the smarts for it?” “I had a smart shooting pain up my arm earlier today.” “If you pay up smart, you won’t have to worry about it anymore.” Do you see how using the word smart isn’t all that smart of a choice? It can be confusing and if your goal is to be understood easily and to sound like you attended a private school in Connecticut, go ahead with intelligent.

Hard vs. Difficult/Challenging

Informal
I find it very hard to complete this task.
Or
I find this task very hard.

Formal
I find it very difficult to complete this task.
Or
I find this task very challenging.

I complain about people using the word hard the most. It was overly common in Downton Abbey and I have no idea why the writers of the show included it so frequently. It’s such a stupid word. First off, when saying hard, most people say it in such a way as to be ambiguous. If you read the sentence, “I find this task very hard,” what does that even mean? That the task is physically hard, like you can knock on it? Like it’s a nut? Or does it mean that the task is challenging? I think it’s best to swap out hard for either difficult or challenging. I know it’s tough, but it’s a must. And believe me, I find myself correcting myself all day long when attempting to sound a little less rough around the edges, so don’t feel too bad when you realize you’ve been more informal than you’d like.

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This was one of those posts where I’m sure I unintentionally came off as a huge jerk. The goal with using an expansive vocabulary and replacing informal words with more formal ones, especially when writing and public speaking, isn’t to sound pretentious, but to elevate your correspondence and discussions to such a degree as to evoke a marked recognition. It’s also something that may help our entire culture. If you haven’t noticed, things in this world are dumbing down at a rapid pace. If you were a person who were to care about such a thing, why not be part of the solution? Speak with eloquence at any chance you get. Make your speech infectious. Converse with friends, family, and colleagues and watch as they begin incorporating formality in their own speech. Not only will you be helping yourself and your “crew,” you’ll be helping make the world a better place.

Again though, please take a look at the big list of potential vocabulary to see what the cool kids are using.

It wasn’t until moving to Maine that I experienced what many refer to as chilblains. I did a bit of searching around and I believe these things are also called pernio. Have you ever had chilblains? I’m sure you have. If you live in the north and if you’ve ever walked around outside during the winter in Crocs or cold boots with no socks on, I’m certain of it.

Chilblains isn’t (or aren’t) some weird disease. It’s a sort of frostbite people get when they expose their toes, fingertips, nose, and other sensitive parts of their bodies to the cold and then, quickly, the warmth. If you ask around, you’ll find a very specific set of circumstances that need to occur in sequence in order for this ailment to appear. For me, all that needs to occur is for me to be walking around the house with no socks on during the winter, exit the main house into the vestibule, slip off my warm Crocs and on my cold ones, and then wander around in the snow for a bit to grab either some firewood or the mail. Anything, really. What triggers the chain reaction is my feet transitioning from something warm to cold (the change of shoes). And after that, very cold (the snow). If that’s all that were to happen, things may be fine, but no, I always need to complete the job. After my toes have frozen, I’ll reverse the order. I’ll remove my feet from the snow-covered Crocs and place them back into the semi-warm ones I had left behind earlier. Then, I’ll walk back inside to wiggle my naked toes near the wood stove that’s cooking nice and hot. Mission accomplished – chilblains will be sure to follow.

Simply put, chilblains form because of the warm to cold and back to warm transitions. It’s got something to do with blood vessels or the like.

A day or two after I do all these things, my toes will begin itching like mad. In Laura’s case, her toes will begin aching quite a bit. Her pain keeps her up at night while my itching is a mere nuisance. Another day or two, everything goes away and I remind myself to avoid walking around outside wearing only Crocs during the winter. I suppose if I had the ones that didn’t sport the big air holes in them I’d be fine, but I don’t. I own a pair of “outside” ones that I’ve been using for over 15 years. They’ve now earned themselves a wear hole at the bottom too, so I’ll likely throw them in the trash soon.

They say that chilblains, or perniosis, primarily afflicts those who are sensitive to the cold or those who have poor circulation. They also say that people who have an iron deficiency can suffer from them. I have neither, but my actions are oftentimes obnoxiously careless, so I’m deserving. Other folks who aren’t nearly obnoxious with their actions are the ones we should feel bad for. Imagine your toes aching to the point of tears, all from something you really had nothing to do with.

I’ve read that rubbing the toes with Vicks Vapor Rub can help because it’ll increase blood circulation where it’s needed most. Laura says that soaking her feet in warm water with peroxide does the trick. I have no idea of the ratio or why that would help, but she seems to swear by it. The goal for us really is to wear socks throughout the day as responsible adults would and to avoid running around outside, “just for a second” with freezing cold shoes on. If we want to quickly run around outside, warm the shoes up inside first. Seems simple enough.

Reading For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway has taken longer than expected. It’s been a slog, to say the least. As I’ve mentioned dozens of times, if I love a book, I’ll read chapters each night. If it hasn’t exactly picked up yet, I’ll read a page or two and fall asleep doing so. Apparently, evidenced by my falling asleep so quickly after opening this one, I’d say it’s yet to pick up. I’m hoping it will. I’m more than halfway through so something’s bound to happen. I mean, it’s just got to happen, right?

I’d like to take a moment to mention a few thoughts that’ve occurred to me while reading. Sometimes while doing so, if I pass by something worth remembering, I’ll save the quote, or whatever it is, for later. In this case, it was a quote and just as it happens, it’s somehow cleverly woven itself into my reality. Quite fittingly for the author at hand, the subject is: love and death.

Please read what I discovered on page 175:

“Then they were walking along the stream together and he said, ‘Maria, I love thee and thou art so lovely and so wonderful and so beautiful and it does such things to me to be with thee that I feel as though I wanted to die when I am loving thee.‘”

A friend of mine recently lost her husband of 60 years. The two met when they were teenagers and spent the remainder of his life together. As she described him to me, he was the light of her being. He was her soulmate. He was the first and only man she had ever loved and to lose him was to lose part of herself. As I spoke to this woman, I realized something beautiful, yet utterly disturbing. I learned that, as Ernest Hemingway so famously stated, “If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.” As strikingly and unnervingly true as the statement is, it somehow leaves my perception of love in somewhat of a shambles. It’s just that…there are a few aspects of the subject I had yet to consider. I feel slightly odd discussing any of this here because I’m a mere onlooker and far be it for me to insert myself into someone else’s grief, but I suppose I do have opinions and since I’m sharing my thoughts on the topic now, it’s somehow appropriate that I write about them as best I can.

Up until this point of my life, I’ve thought that the harder I love someone, the more satisfied and rewarded I’ll ultimately become. That I’ll somehow intertwine with another person to realize some sort of oneness with them. The issue with what I had initially (up to very recently) considered, or perhaps more succinctly put, perceived or believed, is that the harder I love someone, the harder I’ll fall if and when they one day disappear. Alfred, Lord Tennyson once so thoughtfully stated in his poem In Memoriam A. H. H.:

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

If you’ve ever dismissed poetry as being trivial, I encourage you to, at the very least, glance at this poem. It’ll enlighten you to the art, to say the least.

Alfred Tennyson’s best friend died at the age of 22. For the next 17 years, Lord Tennyson crafted a poem as a tribute to his friend. I suppose the writing of the poem was somehow responsible for the processing of the author’s grief, because by the end of it, it was concluded that, “…he found hope in the notion that love itself is a miracle. And it’s worth every moment of pain-filled loss.”

As I type this post, I’m realizing that I can go on and on about this topic much longer, or farther, or deeper than I really had ever intended. I’m not actually sure what my initial goal of it all was, beyond sharing the quote with you about love. As I was typing and thinking, I began looking around for the poet who authored the “loved and lost” quote and now I find that I’m crawling down a rabbit hole, one which I never intended to crawl. I wonder if I should leave this post here or if I should continue writing. Read on below to find out.

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In the book, Hemingway describes a blossoming love between the main character, Robert Jordan, and a secondary character, Maria. As you’ve seen from the quote above by Robert Jordan, he’s completely fallen for her. She’s fallen for Robert as well and as far as I can tell, the two will find themselves in as deep a love as my two friends in real life found themselves. My friend has been suffering through intense grief for the past month and it’s left me asking questions similar to the ones Alfred Tennyson asked himself; whether it’s worth it to put the effort into someone else only to have each and every emotion you’ve ever shared with them torn from you, all at once. It’s likely I’ll conclude it is, just as Lord Tennyson concluded – I mean, what am I to do at this point? Give up on the entire thing? That’s not rational and it’s likely not even emotionally feasible.

Robert Jordan and Maria, however, are at the precipice of delving into something that’s nearly impossible to stop; if they were to continue walking down their path, without the knowledge or consideration of what’s to come, they’ll certainly find themselves asking the very same questions nearly everyone who’s found true love has asked themselves. Simply put: Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? If we, or they, were to put any trust at all into the struggles and contemplation endured by Alfred Tennyson, I’m certain they’d face the risk.

Enough said. I’m going to bed.

I’m not sure of how many times I’ve written this post. Each time I enter the internet though, I’m compelled to write it again. I swear, the world is against me in this regard. It teases me and taunts me – all because my mother was an English major during the final two years of her college career. Much of my young life was consumed with grammatical correction and since I surely can’t wander around the depths of the seemingly dark web commenting on the grammar of people who would lambast me for doing so, I’m relegated to the writing of my thoughts on this very website. I apologize for putting you through this, but it’s something that needs to be done.

Before I begin though, I’d like to note that perhaps what I’ll share below doesn’t pertain to grammatical errors, per se, but more so spelling errors. Although, I suppose the way each word is used within the confines of a sentence would place it in the arena of grammar, technically speaking. Oftentimes, it’s the word itself that’s in error. Such as your and you’re. If what I’m telling you isn’t clear right now, keep reading below. You’ll see.

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I vs. My

This one’s been around for quite some time. I’m uncertain if the error was popularized by the Kardashians or by the Housewives of Orange County – whatever the case, hearing or reading people misuse the word I is like listening to someone scratch a chalkboard. I’ll also note that the folks who transplant I for me are oftentimes rabidly stubborn about it. They’ve told me it’s “proper grammar” and have given me very cocky looks to shut me up. Do you have any idea how challenging it is for me to shut up?

Incorrect
I need to book a hotel room for my wife and I.

Correct
I need to book a hotel room for my wife and me.

The Rule
Simply remove the other person from the sentence and say it again. Whichever sounds better is usually correct.

Believe it or not, I’m friends with someone on Facebook who posted something along the lines of, “I had some solar panels installed on my wife and I’s house.” And no one corrected the poor chap. The post will now live forever within my soul. The correct version would be, “I had some solar panels installed on my wife’s and my house.” Again, simply remove the other person and repeat the sentence.

By the way, there is no possessive I. That would be the possessive determiner my and possessive pronoun mine.

Your vs. You’re

This is a biggie with smart phones. In my heart of hearts, I suspect it’s because people are too lazy to locate and use the apostrophe on their keypads and opt for the much quicker your as opposed to the proper you’re, but the error is still worrisome. Considering the fact that 100 years ago, soldiers were sending home to their sweethearts poems and love letters that would be classified as art by today’s standards, many of today’s teens can’t even spell, or are too lazy to spell, the word you’re correctly. To me, this is an issue.

Incorrect
I see your wearing blue sneakers today.

Correct
I see you’re wearing blue sneakers today.
Or
I see you are wearing blue sneakers today.

The Rule
When using the word your, you’re suggesting that something belongs to someone. It’s a possessive pronoun for a singular person, such as, “That is your book.” When you use the word you’re, you’re simply contracting the words you and are.

Who vs. That

This one will last with you forever. I swear, if the internet didn’t exist, I’d become no where near as upset as I do when I hear or read horrible grammar. But alas, here I am, typing away on said internet, complaining about the very thing I despise nearly the most.

Incorrect
I have a friend that loves Transformers movies.

Correct
I have a friend who loves Transformers movies.

This grammatical error is so pervasive that I believe it’s become part of the vernacular. About 90% of the people I hear speak, make this mistake. It’s honestly and dishearteningly a rare occasion when I converse with someone who says something like, “My mother was a woman who enjoyed cooking. And my uncle was a man who raced muscle cars.” If the person with whom (see what I did there?) I’m speaking manages to properly use the word who while describing a person or persons, two or more times during a conversation, that person has won my heart. It’s just so rare. So, so rare. Nearly everyone I know, and don’t even know, uses that when describing people. “My best friend is a person that loves to trash talk!” C’mon, you have to admit it’s utterly insulting to be referred to as a that!

The Rule
When referring to an individual person (and even when referring to other individual living beings, such as animals and pets), use who. When referring to something that has no life about it, use that. Example:

I have a desk that is brown. I have a friend who is Irish. I’m part of a Jiu-Jitsu club that is wonderful.

In the last example, I described a group of people. Even though the group consists of beings who have heartbeats, the group itself is still referred to as that.

That Vs. Which

This one’s a bit tricky. It involves both Britain as well as the condescending. Both use which. Apparently, in Britain, folks use which for everything. The condescending, such as those who ride bicycles along thoroughfares near Bear Mountain, New York or through Hyde Park in London, use which for the hell of it. They think it makes them sound fancy. Perhaps it does to the uninitiated, but to me, it makes them sound confused. Below is an example of a confused person misusing the word which. And then an example of the same person saying the same sentence after having a conversation with me.

Incorrect
Boy, this certainly is a piece of property which greens up during the summer!

Correct
Boy, this certainly is a piece of property that greens up during the summer!

Again, in England, it’s apparently okay to use which in the example above, but here in America, it’s not. There are very specific cases for when to use which and that.

The whole thing has to do with restrictive and nonrestrictive clauses. And once you understand what these two things are, you’ll understand when to use each of the two words being discussed in this section. Simply put, restrictive clauses contain important information. Information that’s critical to the meaning of the sentence. Nonrestrictive clauses contain fluff that’s nice to know, but that’s not really all that important. Please read these two sentences:

Restrictive
I need to rent a bicycle that has two seats so my partner and I can ride it simultaneously.

Nonrestrictive
I rented a bicycle last week, which happened to have two seats, and I rode it around alone all day. What fun!

How would the condescending misuse which? “My mother is a person which loves the color blue.” Ugh. They’re so annoyingly stupid.

The Possessive Apostrophe

Let’s forget about all the slang out there that takes full advantage of apostrophes, such as, “We’re having a good ol’ time” and “There’s somethin’ goin’ on here.” For this section, I’ll focus squarely on apostrophes that are used for possession and contraction. Check out these examples:

Correct Possession
That’s Jay’s dog.

Correct Contraction
I don’t know what you’re talking about. (don’t = do not) (you’re = you are)

Incorrect Plural
I have some puppy’s for sale.

I have no idea where this plural thing is coming from, but I see it all over the place. It’s like, sometimes people are too lazy to add the appropriate apostrophe in their sentences, yet, they’re not too lazy to add it when it’s uncalled for. These are the rules:

The Rules
Use an apostrophe to connect two words, such as do not, creating don’t. Also, if something is owned by something else, use an apostrophe to indicate that, such as, “That’s the car’s bumper.” Don’t ever use an apostrophe to indicate there is more than one of something. For example, “I have two puppy’s for sale” should be, “I have two puppies for sale.”

If you’re ever confused, simply browse to Google’s homepage on your phone and type in, “When to use apostrophes.” Learning really is that simple.

There’s vs. There Are

This is one that’ll never leave your brain either. Once you realize what people have been doing in regards to this mistake, you’ll be unable to unrealize it. I’ve been suffering through this “realization” for years. What’s worse is that this mistake isn’t new. I’ve watched movies that were filmed during the 1930s and I’ve heard it. In Hemingway’s For Whom the Bells Tolls, it’s there – and that was written in 1940. It’s everywhere. It’s awful and the insidiousness stems from the unsuspecting contraction. Here’s an example:

Incorrect
There’s a lot of people in this stadium.

Correct
There are a lot of people in this stadium.

Because a contraction is used, people don’t notice they’re making a mistake. The truth of the matter is, they are, no matter how common that mistake is. In all honesty, I’ve rarely seen or heard this type of intended usage when it wasn’t a mistake.

Without using a contraction, would you ever say to someone, “There is a lot of people in this stadium”? No, you wouldn’t. Why not? Because you’d sound like an idiot. But with that little apostrophe stuck in there, you’ve got free reign to do whatever you’d like. And then innocents like me have to suffer through it. Where’s the justice?

The Rule
For a singular thing, use is. “There is one person in this room.” Or with the contraction, “There’s one person in this room.” For two things, use are. “There are two people in this room.” Don’t use there’s for two things, such as “There’s two people in this room.” I beg of you.

It’s vs. Its

Granted, this one can get tricky because when in the world does a person really think about when to use it’s vs. its? I mistaken one for the other quite often while writing blog posts, mostly because I type quickly and my brain sometimes works faster than my eyes. Or vice-versa. Or whatever. Sometimes I catch my mistakes during proofreading, but sometimes not. So I don’t want to beat up on people for making this error, since it’s an easy mistake to make. I’ll explain the way things are supposed to be here nonetheless.

It’s and its share the same exact pronunciation, although, there’s a huge difference among the meaning of each word. Its is possessive (belongs to) and it’s is two words that have been stuck together (it is). For instance, one may correctly write, “My wood chipper burned its fuel because we were running it too hard, but I must say, it’s a damn hard worker.” In this case, the fuel belonged to the wood chipper, hence the use of its. Also, the wood chipper (it) is a damn hard worker, hence the use of it’s (it is). Pretty easy, right?

Lose vs. Loose/Loser vs. Looser

Sometimes I wish people would just learn how to spell. I mean, seriously. Lose means to be deprived of. To cease to own or retain. “I don’t want to lose you, baby. You’re the love of my life.” Loser defines something that’s lost something, such as a game or a contest. “You’re such a loser. I can’t stand you.” Loose is the opposite of tight. It’s when something isn’t firmly or tightly in place. For instance, “Be careful, the top of that peanut butter jar is loose.” Looser is a comparative adjective meaning “more loose.” It’s debatable whether or not looser is even a word, but it certainly doesn’t mean what people think it means in the comment sections on the internet. “That guy is a looser. Jeez.”

“A” Before a Vowel

I read this error much more than I hear it. Probably because people so frequently text and write quick posts on Facebook as a medium of communication, as opposed to speaking. It’s also difficult to make this mistake through speech because it sounds ridiculous. I do wish they’d be more careful though because through their blundersome writing, they are stupefying the world. As others read their words, those others become more dumb than they were previously. And honestly, we’ve got enough dumb people on this planet. We don’t need any more.

This is what I oftentimes read: “It’s a honor to meet you. You’re a articulate man.” Notice the a before the h in honor and articulate. In those cases, the a should actually be an an. Why? I’ll tell you below. By the way, the sentence should actually read, “It’s an honor to meet you. You’re an articulate man.”

The Rule
It’s not so much a vowel itself that calls for an an to precede it, but a vowel sound that calls for it. And it’s not so much a consonant that calls for an a, but a consonant sound. For example, “The man carries a ubiquitous style about him.” Notice the a that precedes the word ubiquitous? Even though ubiquitous begins with a vowel, that particular vowel sounds like a y, a consonant (most of the time). How about this – “It’s an honor to meet you, sir.” Or, “The bus arrives in an hour.” Notice the an that precedes both honor and hour? Both letters h are consonants, but sound like the vowel o, so they get an an.

Most of the time, this is an easy rule to follow. You’ll hear and read sentences like this: “Wow! Is that a cat?” and “Boy, that was an underhanded move.” But, of course, people still get it wrong far too often.

Less vs. Fewer

Back when I was a kid, I’d say things like, “Hey mom, there were less people at church this morning – am I right?” And then she’d slap me silly and hang me by my toenails from the clothesline. “Fewer, Jay. There were fewer people at church this morning. If you can count them, it’s fewer!” Can you even imagine that people out there today still say things like, “Less of us are going to the party tonight”? It doesn’t even sound good, but people will be people. I actually do hear it all the time and it’s disappointing, especially when the word fewer can have such a profound effect on who a person is speaking with. It sounds intelligent and it presents very well.

The Rules
If you can count the objects to which you are referring, use the word fewer. If you can’t count whatever it is to which you are referring, use less. Here are some examples:

There are fewer animals in the forest than there used to be.

Fewer cars are driving through.

There’s less water in the glass now than there used to be.

He’s less thoughtful than the boy next door.

The quantity of ocean water seems to be less this year, but then again, there are fewer oceans to measure.

Where this becomes tricky is when dealing with money and time. If someone were to say, “The national debt is rising at a decreasing rate. That’s good because it’s only increasing less than a trillion dollars a day now,” that would sound okay because that monetary amount is nebulous and changing. It would sound strange to hear, “…it’s rising fewer than a trillion dollars…,” but I guess fewer would be okay in this case as well.

Also, when discussing hours and minutes and time in general, go ahead with whatever sounds best. I’ve tried to use fewer when having these types of conversations and I sounded like a fool, so I use less when it’s called for. A person can’t be too “mathematical” when speaking, even if what the person says is technically correct. Whomever is being spoken to will dismiss the other person as being robotic and difficult to get along with and we don’t want that. “We’ve got less than 35 minutes to get there,” is fine, even though you can count the minutes. The problem is, there are seconds involved between those minutes and the sentence can get sticky. It’s like the dollars thing above. There are cents to contend with, so less is fine in these types of situations.

To vs. Too vs. Two

To differentiate which of these three words is called for in a sentence, it’s important to understand what each word means. Or how it’s defined. I’ll define each of these three words below.

To is a preposition that is used to show location, distance, or motion.
Example: I’m going to walk to the park.

Two is a number that follows one. 
Example: I own two cats and two ferrets.

Too is an adverb that means also, more, or very.
Example: Can you please include me too?

People oftentimes confuse these three words, which is a shame because, as I mentioned above, they all have different meanings and are different parts of speech. A person can’t walk too the park and a person can’t be included two. A person can’t own to cats and to ferrets either. Unfortunately, misspellings like these occur frequently and because of them, the readers of sentences like these have trouble understanding their meaning.

They’re vs. There vs. Their

The confusion between they’re, there, and their is very similar to the above. The three words sound exactly the same but have wildly different meanings.

They’re is a contraction of the words they and are. 
Example: They’re coming for you, so you better behave!

There is an adverb that means in or at that place. 
Example: I’m driving there right now, so I’ll meet you there.

Their is the possessive case of the pronoun they, meaning belonging to them.
Example: It’s not your turn; it’s their turn. Yes, it’s theirs.

When people make this mistake with their writing, I suspect it’s because they simply don’t know how to spell the version of the word they wish to use. I believe they understand the meaning, but don’t know the proper spelling. This is why it’s helpful to learn how to spell. If in doubt, simply browse to Google and type in, “they’re vs. there vs. their.” It’s that easy. Really, it takes 10 seconds to learn this stuff. There’s no valid excuse in the world to post the wrong spelling to Facebook for 15 years straight.

Who’s vs. Whose

Again, this is another case of misspelling a word that sounds like another. very quickly:

Who’s is a contraction of who is. 
Example: I need to be sure who’s coming with me.

Whose is the possessive form of who, a relative pronoun.
Example: I need to be sure whose laptop this is.

I guess the way to remember the difference between these two words is to remember that the apostrophe means that who’s is a contraction, which is two words stuck together. So if you can remember two words for one and possessive for the other, you’ll be in good shape.

The Unnecessary Question Mark

For some people, when to use and when not to use a question mark is confusing. Sometimes, a sentence sounds like a question or might seem like a question, but is actually a statement. If a person isn’t certain of whether a sentence is a statement or a question, they tack on a question mark just to be sure. I haven’t noticed this type of mistake very much in the past, but for some reason, I’m seeing it more and more these days.

A question mark (?) is placed at the end of a sentence that is a direct question. For example, this is a direct question: “How are you today?” Here’s another: “What’s the capital of Nebraska?” This isn’t a question: “I’m wondering how you are today.” This last one is actually a direct statement. I’m wondering something and that thing is how you are today. Just because the word how is floating around within the sentence, that doesn’t mean it’s a question.

I’m beginning to see sentences that incorrectly use question marks as their ending punctuation. Sentences like: “It boggles my mind how crazy he is?” and “I don’t know if I’m qualified to do it?” I suspect part of the issue with those who write these types of statements is that they’re actually questioning themselves as they write. Sort of like, “How can he be so crazy?” and “Am I qualified to do it?” They just get ahead of themselves and add question marks where they don’t belong.

Proper punctuation is critically important if someone would like others to understand the meaning of their communication. A person can’t willy-nilly add periods, commas, quotes, and question marks where they don’t belong, or omit them where they do, and expect their message to produce the impact they desire. It simply doesn’t work that way. Proper punctuation is key to being understood.

Lay vs. Lie

“I’m going to lay you down so I can lie next to you.” This really is as far as I need to go with this. If you read the first sentence of this section carefully, you’ll see that lay and lie have two different meanings. I’ll explain them below.

To lay means to place something down in a flat or reclined position. To lie means to either move yourself into a flat or reclined position or to already be in that position. The primary difference between these two words is the subject that’s being acted upon. Lay is what people refer to as transitive, meaning, usage of the word depends on the fact that there’s an object to be acted upon. A separate, outside object, other then the self. Lie is what people refer to as intransitive, meaning, no outside object is dependent upon. A person can lie him or herself down.

Incorrect
I will lie this scarf on the shelf.

Correct
I will lay this scarf on the shelf.

Incorrect
Do you mind if I lay next to you?

Correct
Do you mind if I lie next to you?

This is another one of those mistakes that has taken the world by storm. Almost everyone I’ve ever heard attempt to use the word lie, has used the word lay instead, incorrectly. Let’s just say hardly anyone says lie, while nearly everyone says lay.

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There are so many more common grammatical and spelling mistakes out there that I’d love to share, but I surely need to stop somewhere. If you’d like to add your favorite (or most loathsome) to the comments so we can discuss, I’d enjoy reading what you have to say. Until then, thanks for reading!

Since arriving in the state, Laura and I have engaged in a few “Maine” activities. I think this one might take the cake though. There aren’t many that are more Maine than cutting down one’s own Christmas tree. In the forest. In a whole bunch of snow.

We’ve been scouting the perfect specimen since October and our goal was to cut the chosen one in November, a day after Thanksgiving. If we cut it early enough, we’d enjoy it in all its splendor for as long as possible. Luckily, we did, in fact, locate the perfect tree in October, but unfortunately, we weren’t able to cut it the day after Thanksgiving as planned. At the moment, I can’t recall why. We probably forgot. Either way, it’s a good thing we didn’t because when we did manage to get around to it, the snow was nice and deep, making for a memorable event.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, our property is loaded with balsam fir trees. And when I say loaded, I mean loaded. The above photo is an example of what you’d find if you walked through our forest. There are tons of them.

The thing is, not all the trees on our land would make suitable Christmas trees. The new growth that’s close to the ground is just too small, weak, and flimsy and much of the older growth is too tall and, well, sort of ugly. To settle upon the perfect Christmas tree, one needs to look to the tips of the older growth for a pleasant conical shape and maximum density. If those two characteristics are available, that’s the tree.

We actually had quite a few candidates from which to choose, but the one we agreed upon was purposefully semi-close to the house, which meant less dragging through the snow. Maneuvering in the conditions we faced isn’t the easiest of tasks when carrying both a heavy chainsaw and pine tree top. But since the ordeal occurs only once per year, I was generally good natured about it all.

You may notice from the above photos that I was buried in the thick of things during my attempt to traverse to the tip of the tree. This “burying” was unintended. I actually meant to fall the stick (that’s arborist speak) in the opposite direction, but just as bad luck would have it, the tree fell backwards. This meant that I’d need to climb over other fallen trees and brush to cut in a mish-mash of methods to reach the prize. But once all of that was completed, I did, in fact, reach my prize. Here she stands.

Because the tree was so beautiful, it pained me to cut it even more. We only needed about four feet of it, so what you see directly above was just about halved. What a shame too. We decided last year that, from now on, our trees would be posted at the base of our front window. That area only stands, as I mentioned, four feet. Eventually, I did what I had to do and you can see the final result at the top of this post.

I’ll tell you that this year’s Christmas tree is truly superb. It’s small, but it offers just the right amount of spirit and that’s exactly what I was after. Merry Christmas!

The older I get, the more concerned I become with what I’ll do with myself after I reach retirement age. I suppose that age is 65, which, to me, is rather arbitrary. As of this moment, I don’t plan on acting any differently the moment I reach my alleged retirement, but the more I look around at folks who already have, the more I worry.

Have you ever watched what the average old man does? I mean, really watched? It’s terrible. By and large, old men do a lot of sitting on couches and roaming around the garages that used to play host to productive activities. Nothing productive really goes on in these garages anymore because old men either slow down to such a degree as to avoid doing or needing to have done anything real or they pay people to do whatever it was they used to do. So basically, old man garages are echoes of what used to be, which leaves these people standing to ponder brighter days that once were. It’s so depressing to watch and even think about.

Do you know what else old men do? They accompany their wives during trips to Costco. They sit in the passenger seats of their very reasonable Subaru-like vehicles and have their wives drive them around to pick up pills, go grocery shopping, and buy gigantic packages of toilet paper. Maybe, if they’re lucky, their wives will let them purchase a 12-pound package of salmon fillet. Because it was on sale. Again, if you aren’t depressed by this point, I’m not sure what’s wrong with you.

When Laura and I used to live in Palm Coast, I once saw a couple who seemingly relocated to the area weeks or months before. I’m not sure how I knew they had recently relocated, but I had a feeling. I watched as the couple wandered through the aisles of Publix, holding hands in silence, very slowly glancing at the groceries they might want to purchase for the coming week. The exact reasoning for my interest in this couple alludes me now, but I’m sure I said to myself somewhere along the way, “Please shoot me if I end up like either of these people.” Their apathetic nature disturbed me. Both individuals were utterly dull. If there had ever been any love between either of these folks, it had evidently evaporated long ago. I imagined them living up north in some suburb of Hartford or New York City or perhaps even Trenton and being fascinated by the idea of retiring to Palm Coast. “There’s no snow,” they’d tell their friends. And they’d continue, “Yes, our home is being built right now and we have a move-in date of January 3. We’re super thrilled about our new lives. We plan on becoming involved with the community.” Eventually, they moved into their new home, became bored with it within weeks, never involved themselves with the community, and wondered why they ultimately wanted a divorce. Ugh. But really, I’m not sure why I bring this particular couple into this post when the fault of their existence together could have been placed with either one of them individually. Maybe though, they were simply a malfunctioning dyad. I honestly don’t know. I still blame the man though – I got the sense he was supposed to be in charge. He gave up somewhere along the way and his wife followed his lead.

A dull existence isn’t to be blamed solely on location, to be sure. I see old men who have nothing to do here in Maine all the time. The thing is, I’m not sure they ever spent their days doing anything interesting. Perhaps these people I witness – driving around aimlessly, puttering about their property with wheelbarrow in hand, chipping ice from their rooflines with a spear-like shovel weren’t all that productive to begin with. Maybe they’re lower on the scale of intellectualism. I suppose they may lack purpose, which brings me to the crux of this post. What’s a guy to do as he enters and lives through old age?

Productivity, Intellect, & Purpose

First and foremost, every single man who’s worth his salt will steer clear of the television. He will not, in any way, shape, or form, watch the 6 o’clock news. He won’t watch the weather forecast and he’ll know little of politics. He’ll avoid the internet, his phone, and any app that may be calling his name. YouTube is not a friend. Facebook, Instagram, and their ilk were purposefully and specifically created to turn once fully-functioning minds into mash potatoes. The human psyche was never meant to absorb advertising at the rate social media produces it and please don’t get me going on memes, the most moronic idea and word humankind has created as of yet.

What I just mentioned above are not friendly things. They’re utter thieves of the one most valuable commodity available to every living soul on earth – time.

I think about this topic far too often. I don’t want to become a man who sits and watches television all day long and who has no purpose. The truth of the matter is though, as people age, their relevance fades. If I became a multi-ranked Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu coral belt in 10 years, I highly doubt many students would take me seriously enough to listen to my advice, no matter how often I displayed the belt. Maybe the white belts would be impressed during the beginning of their training by my achievement, but the moment they rolled with me and learned how deteriorated I truly was, they’d surely stop listening. I’d be like the man standing on the road in front of his neighbor’s home while a tree is being removed. I’d fail to resist the temptation of telling the professionals, “You know, I used to do this same job when I was younger…” As if they care. And as if any of the 20-somethings would actually believe I had been privy to the modern equipment they’d surely be taking advantage of. Back when I actually did do tree work, my fellow workers and I were forced to listen to an old timer tell us about how his worn out hand saw is, “Faster than any chain saw you fellas use today!” Sure, old man. Sure it is.

I’ve come to conclude a worthy old age experience will revolve around using my mind. So instead of being a bored old man who wanders around looking for something…anything to do, I’ll be one who uses my brain and who accomplishes things. Pretend you’re sitting next to your grandfather. Pretend you ask him what he’s been up to and pretend he answers the way you’d expect. “Oh, nothing much. Your grandmother has me trimming the hedges. I also helped dry the dishes this morning.” Really? That’s it? These kinds of answers makes me want to slap someone.

Now pretend he responds with something like, “What have I been up to? What haven’t I been up to? Your grandmother and I just returned from a trip to the Cotswolds where we hiked and photographed for two weeks using my old-school 1976 Canon AE-1 35mm camera. Come check out my new darkroom where I process my film. Oh yeah, I’ve also been writing for a magazine and I recently purchased a beautiful new tweed suit. It’s real Harris tweed!”

The latter is the type of man I’d like to be. A man who sits outside Café Kitsuné in Paris, sipping expresso. I’d like to be a man who photographs and blogs and writes for people who haven’t the wherewithal to write. Secretly, of course. I’d need no credit. I’d write for the sake of writing. I’d also like to read and buy used books as if all the authors had ceased their authoring and no new books were being published. I’d like to remain productive. I’d like to buy ingredients for dishes I’d prepare for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I’d like to find a pub near where we’d live and drink Guinness like it’s the medicine it is. I’d like to walk and talk and sit to discuss the finer things in life. I’d like to build things and analyze design with those who know much more than I do. I’d like to study history and visit places and learn about society and culture. And one day, I’d like to surprise Laura with a dog. We haven’t had one of them in a long while. And oh yeah, I’d also like to surprise her with a gîte. She’s an entrepreneur and she’d love the income.

I’d also like a motorcycle, but we’ll discuss that another time.

What I really don’t want to do is end up being boring and dull. An unproductive and unintellectual old man who has no purpose. Why? Because there are already too many of that type and I really don’t think the world needs another.

In today’s post, I’d like to discuss a very simple topic. The topic is investing. The topic many financial advisors would lead you to believe is incredibly difficult to wrap your head around. Of course, if you’ve got loads of money and many options for living and retiring, things can quickly become complicated, but if you’re a regular middle class guy or gal and you’d like to live a bit easier in your later years (45+) and not have to work until you’re 80, you may want to continue reading. The entire thing is very straightforward. It’s a favorite subject of mine, this investing is, but trying to get people to listen to me is a chore unto itself. It’s probably for this reason I chose to write this post. Maybe, just maybe, someone will read it.

Instead of explaining the theory and philosophy behind investing, I think I’ll simply tell you what to do. So if you’re 20, 30, 40, or 50 years old, read through this post and then after you’ve finished, go ahead and follow the instructions I give in it. It really is that easy.

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First and foremost, you’ll need money. In order to have that money, you’ll need to avoid spending as much of it as you can. If you’re relatively young, remain living with your parents as long as possible as to avoid wasting your income on rent or a mortgage (and all the misery that comes with them). If you decide to follow this advice, don’t fall for the idea of spending your hard earned income on something other than those two things – that would defeat the purpose. People do this all the time. They save their rent or mortgage payments, but decide to go drinking with their buddies instead. They also buy nice new vehicles. That’s stupid. Other things to avoid: Debt, such as car loans and student loans, credit cards for any purpose, vacations of any kind, and generally any other absurd item an average American would waste his or her money on. Simply put, save your money for investing as opposed to wasting it on what might make you feel good at the moment. Have a bit of self control and a forward looking perspective.

Second, begin thinking like an investor. Don’t buy a new lawnmower to mow your own lawn only. Buy one to mow your lawn, your neighbor’s lawn, and the guy’s lawn down the street. Think about how much income any expense might create. That’s just smart thinking. Also, begin considering where you place any extra cash you may have accumulated through the years. If it’s sitting under your mattress, it’s being eroded by inflation, meaning, any cash that’s idle and not working for you is worth less today than it was yesterday. So don’t sit on cash. PS – CDs and high-yield savings accounts aren’t cash. They’re interest bearing investment vehicles.

Third, avoid residing in expensive to live in states and avoid becoming connected to someone who doesn’t share your frugal values. After all, if you’re burning through your income trying to pay for groceries, gasoline, and real estate (+ taxes) in New York or California, as well as trying to make your wife or husband happy through materialism, you’ll lose. You’ll lose every time. Mark my words.

Now that I’ve gotten those basic life lessons out of the way, I’ll discuss the two EFTs I initially intended to write about in this post. They are VOO and VYM (those are the ticker symbols) – the only two you’ll need to know about. I’ll discuss them one at a time.

VOO is a domestic, large blend EFT owned and operated by Vanguard. It costs only .o3% of you entire holdings to own per year. It’s a mixture of some of the world’s largest and most exciting stocks (Apple, NVIDIA, Amazon, Facebook, Tesla) and has been in existence since 2010. It basically tracks the S&P 500. When this EFT was first offered to the public in September of 2010, one share cost $101.78. As of this writing, one share is worth $555.61. You do the math. If you spent around $100 in 2010, would you be happy with the approximately $555 sitting in your account today, plus all the dividends you’ve received through the years? Probably. I’d say that’s money well spent. After all, you’d enjoy a 445.89% return, excluding the dividends.

Purchasing shares of VOO is a good idea if you’ve got a Roth IRA or any retirement account, for that matter. It’s not generally a fund for every day use. Why not? Because it offers a low dividend, relatively speaking, of approximately 1.22% at the time of this writing. That dividend isn’t enough to live off of and the capital growth of each share is perfect for retirement. It’s something you’d want to sit for decades. And I mean that – the earlier you begin investing, the more you’ll be thanking yourself for it later on in life. Decades later. That’s the entire point – you’re investing for later life comfort.

Another reason you might not want to own VOO in a taxable brokerage account is because it contains real estate stocks, which are taxed differently than non-real estate stocks. It’s not a huge deal at around 2%, but if you’re looking for a more pure option that doesn’t include any real estate, read below.

Simply put, VOO is an excellent option as a retirement EFT. Right now, it contains 503 stocks, which is a nice wide spread of the entire market. The lower dividend percentage keeps it from being something you’d want to live off of during early retirement, but its higher growth is great for when you’ll need it down the road.

If you’re interested in slowing your work life or perhaps retiring early, VYM is a good option as far as ETFs go. VYM includes no real estate stocks, which makes it appealing for owning in a taxable brokerage account. Also, it’s got a fairly healthy dividend of 2.75%, which a person could quite possibly live off of if that person owned enough shares. VYM is a large value EFT owned and operated, again, by Vanguard. Its expense ratio is .06%, slightly higher than VOO. If you were to purchase one share of this EFT at its inception in November of 2006, you’d pay $50.54. It’s worth $131.87 today, which would give you a 160.92% return over the entirety of its life. While this return may seem somewhat lower than VOO’s, you need to remember that the annual dividend per share is higher than VOO’s and has been on an upward trajectory since the beginning. So what you’re not getting in capital appreciation, you’re getting in dividends, which is perfect to fund your lifestyle while you’re not working. And again, this is why you need to begin investing early – to appreciate and spend the dividends you’ll be cashing in later on in life.

VYM includes large, mature companies in its portfolio. Companies that, instead of reinvesting their earnings into themselves, return those earnings to their shareholders in the form of dividends. Of the current 536 companies, Broadcom, JPMorgan Chase, Exxon Mobil, Home Depot, and Procter & Gamble maintain the largest pieces of the pie. So if you were to own just these two ETFs (Voo & VYM), you’d be very well diversified, something you’d have a difficult time achieving a few decades ago. You’d also own a fair amount of some of the world’s most successful companies for very little overhead cost. The expenses are low for these ETFs, which makes ownership nearly guilt-free.

What are the benefit of owning ETFs? ETFs trade like stocks any time the market is open, which is something you needn’t concern yourself with because you’re not planning on selling any shares, right? Please tell me I’m correct. Once you buy, you hold for the long term. The market will rise and fall and all the while, you’ll be buying more and more shares with your monthly additions of $50, $100, $500, $1000 – whatever you can do. But again, remember that the more you buy the earlier you can, the better your life will be later on down the road. I can’t stress that enough. Every single day you wait and put this effort off, you will lose money tomorrow. Waiting is how folks end up working until the day they die. You don’t want to end up like that.

The real benefit of owning ETFs for people like you and me is the diversification of their holdings. Back when I was a kid, I can remember my father talking about owning Nabisco stock. That’s the only one I ever heard about. And my friend’s father owned shares of Boeing. Both my father and my friend’s father were forced to use brokers for their purchases and sales and these brokers cost a fortune in transaction fees. Today, we can open a Schwab account for free, transfer money from our checking account to Schwab for free, and buy shares of most stocks and ETFs for free. There are no barriers to entry anymore. The only barrier is the actions of the individual. And really, if people simply learned to behave themselves and avoid buying their daily coffee from the coffee shop or dinner from McDonalds, they’d have plenty of money to invest for tomorrow.

If you remember nothing from this entire post, please remember this: If you have no employment income and earn less than $48,350 in qualified dividends per year, you pay absolutely no tax. No social security, no Medicare, no federal tax, no state tax, no nothing. So if you sit in a chair on your front lawn and do absolutely nothing every single day of the year and your ETFs earn you less than $48,350 during that year, you’ll quickly learn that, as you complete your tax filing for the year, you’ll have nothing to pay. And as a matter of fact, you’ll likely receive some sort of a refund from the state. This is a very open secret people continuously try to tell others about. Save your money, invest that money, earn your dividends, and retire early. No more breakfast burritos, no more Taco Bell, just save and invest and earn a whole bunch of tax free dividends.