This may turn out to be an unusual post. Right now, I’m not entirely sure what I’ll write. As I sit here, nothing particularly cohesive has come to mind, but I’ll give it my best effort. After all, that’s what moments like this call for, doing my best. The challenge is that I’m feeling a certain way, yet I haven’t quite found the words to express it clearly.
There’s a book out there called How to Win Friends and Influence People. It was written by Dale Carnegie way back in 1936, and it’s one of the world’s most popular books, having sold over 30 million copies. I’ve read it many times and can confidently say it’s had a tremendous impact on me, probably more than any other book I’ve ever read. The first time I picked it up was while I was attending Binghamton University in New York. My mother bought it, mailed it to me, and it left quite an impression. It’s not a long read and is very approachable. In fact, I found it so worthwhile that I wrote an entire summary of it, which you can read here if you’re interested.
I’ll get right into it. This next paragraph may seem somewhat disjointed.
I’m concerned about how people behave in the world today. I see their actions week after week, year after year, and their lack of politeness is astounding. Consider this: if you walked into a room full of people between 1685 and 1815, during the Age of Enlightenment, chances are someone would greet you, say hello, and ask how you were doing. Today, you probably wouldn’t even get a glance. And if everyone in that room did happen to look your way, chances are no one would bother saying a word. I find this irritating.
Here’s another example. Imagine you achieve something truly remarkable. In another time and place, people might have congratulated you and celebrated your accomplishment. These days, though, it can sometimes feel like success makes others uncomfortable. I’ve noticed that instead of offering praise, some people seem more inclined to respond with indifference or even criticism. I wish I could say I’m wrong about this, but I don’t think I am. It often feels as though negativity and a lack of appreciation for one another are becoming more common. I won’t get into all the reasons why that might be, but I will say this: we could all benefit from paying more attention to the needs of both society and the individuals around us. It’s worth letting go of whatever complacency we’ve built up and making a conscious effort to have a positive impact. I realize that’s a bold statement, and I want to be clear that I’m speaking about society in general, not the small circles we belong to. In those smaller groups, I’ve often seen kindness, encouragement, and genuine support. Sure, there are always a few exceptions, but for the most part, my personal experiences there have been uplifting.
Back to my semi-rant. I’ll share a story with you to illustrate my point of all this.
Each week, I work with a remarkable group of people. We volunteer our time to help those in our community who may be in need. A few weeks ago, I was chatting with one of our volunteers when she mentioned a book she was reading. Being the polite fellow I am, I asked for the title and author. Even if I had no plans to look into the book, the right thing to do was to ask. It showed her that her story mattered and that I was truly listening, which I was.
We talked for a few more minutes before I had to excuse myself to help someone with a task. Later in the day, we crossed paths again. I sat and watched her – let’s call her Jane – work for a few moments before saying, “You know, Jane, you do a very good job here. I’ve come to believe there are a few people in this world who make it all go round, and you’re one of them.” I meant every word. Jane comes to our organization every Monday, working selflessly without pay and without complaint. She’s a wonder, and I told her so.
Here’s the part that struck me: after hearing my words, Jane began to cry. She replied, “You know, I really needed to hear that today. It’s been a tough one.” She walked away, gathered her things, and went home. I was left wondering what had weighed on her so heavily, but even more, I wondered how our entire group could have gone so long without offering her a kind word. It troubled me that it took hours before she heard something warm enough to bring her to tears. I was disappointed in myself for not paying closer attention to the needs of our volunteers. Yes, people should speak up when they’re struggling, but others should also notice when something’s not as it should be.
In general, I think we need to pay more attention to people beyond ourselves. We should show the world how well-raised we are. Most of us had mothers and fathers, and it costs nothing for them to teach a child to say please and thank you, to express genuine interest in others, and to show appreciation. If you haven’t been taught these things and if you aren’t paying the attention you should, I urge you to read Dale Carnegie’s book. It’ll teach you everything you need to know. A good impression can carry a relationship far, but a bad impression can carry it even farther in the wrong direction. I’ll leave you with this:
- Approximately eight years ago, a boy who lived up the road from Laura and me told us he was graduating from high school. After hearing this, Laura bought him a card and I enclosed a congratulatory check for $50 in it. We gave both to him. Weeks later when we next saw him, because we hadn’t heard anything back, I asked if he opened the card. He replied, “Oh yeah. Thanks.” Wow. I’ll remember that experience forever and not in a good way.
- Approximately five years ago, a family a few roads from ours gave Laura and me a dozen duck eggs. We thanked this family profusely for their generosity and being so grateful, Laura decided to spend about four hours of her day baking them a double-chocolate cake using some of the eggs they gifted us. The cake was made from scratch and the ingredients cost about $30 – mostly for the chocolate. It was an extraordinary cake. We gave the family the cake and never heard back from them. Weeks passed when I asked the family if they enjoyed it. One of them said, “Yeah, it was good. Thanks.” Wow. I’ll remember that experience forever and not in a good way.
Being polite means making a deliberate effort to ensure another person feels valued. First, decide how you’d like that person to feel, and then take the steps to bring that feeling to life. For example, every single time Laura receives a gift, no matter how big or small, she sends a handwritten note of thanks in return. She was raised to an extraordinary standard, and it’s one of the qualities that first drew me to her. She’s gracious, thoughtful, and unfailingly polite. I only wish more of the world followed her example.
Politeness isn’t a difficult concept to understand. It’s simply showing regard for others in your manner, speech, and behavior. The word polite traces back to the mid-13th-century Latin politus, meaning refined, elegant, or polished. It’s the art of demonstrating consideration for others, practicing tact, and observing social norms. And what’s the opposite of polite? Rude – a concept that no one, absolutely no one, enjoys. So, be polite whenever you can; the world could always use more of it.
PS – If you’re interested in learning about manners and etiquette, I encourage you to take a look at Emily Post.
This brings me to the end of another post. I sincerely hope you enjoyed it and, if so, I invite you to leave a comment below to let me know your thoughts. It’s always nice to get feedback on the things I share.
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